Sitting with a bourbon and a Marlboro Light on the patio at  Charlie’s Boat Yard, the mascot expressed relief at being fired. “It’s been a good run, but I’m happy to be moving on. After I decompress a bit and spend some time with my family I’m going to be looking for a new opportunity more suited to my strengths.”

With the Sabres missing the NHL playoffs for the last nine years Sabretooth admitted it had become hard to remain motivated. “I mean, how many times can you repel from the rafters of the arena or shoot goddamn t-shirts into the crowd of semi-interested fans before it gets old? How many community events and parades can you attend, where little fucking kids kick you to see if you’re real before you want stick one of your furry feet right up their asses? Believe me, getting fired from this sub-five-hundred organization isn’t worst thing that ever happened to me.” 

It also was no secret that team ownership was unhappy with the mascot. “Look, everybody forgets the double duty I did with the Bandits (professional lacrosse team) all through the nineties or all the fun bits I came up in the midst of this neverending playoff drought. But you mention the words Dragon Lady, a couple/ five times within earshot of team president and owner Kim Pegula and the fucking world is going to end,” said the exasperated mascot.

Sabretooth also said he always had an issue with his mascot identity. “It’s just, if I’m supposed to be a sabretooth tiger, why is my shtick to be this lovable clod with two buck teeth as opposed to what a sabretooth really is: a ferocious killer. I guess it’s better than the original mascot—Sammy Sabre, but it’s always troubled me being both a sabre and a tiger. ”

NHL mascots had varied responses to the news of Sabretooth’s firing:

-Carolina Hurricanes, Stormy—He’s a legend. I really looked up to him. Nobody could get the wave going like Sabretooth.
-Toronto Maple Leafs, Carlton The Bear—Sabretooth packed in around 2000. That goddamn poseur been stealing money for the last twenty years.
-Los Angeles Kings, Bailey The Lion—I get Sabertooth’s frustration. The team should be represented by a sword or a knife, but he’s a tiger. Just like I’m a lion when I should be a king.
-Minnesota Wild, Nordy—Great. Now I’m never going to get the hundred I lent him when we were boozing at the World Mascot Association Championships.

After some time off Sabretooth is going to update his resume and start the long process of rebranding himself. He hopes the transformation will land him a job as a full fledged tiger mascot at Clemson or Auburn or in Detroit. 

The post Fired Sabretooth Happy To Be Moving On appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo NY— In the long, knife twisting history of Buffalo sports futility No Goal is only out flanked by Wide Right.

June 19, 2019 marked the twentieth anniversary of Brett Hull scoring the game winner in the third overtime of game six, giving the Dallas Stars their fourth and decisive victory over the Buffalo Sabres in the 1999 Stanley Cup final.

The No Goal controversy stems from Hull having his left foot in the crease before a sprawling Dominic Hasek when he scored the goal. The NHL had introduced a rule in the 98-99 season not allowing offensive players to score from inside the goaltenders crease. Goals scored by players in the crease had been overturned all year long, but not Hull’s, which sealed the cup for the Stars.  After the game the NHL produced a memo they said was distributed to teams before the playoffs, which amended the in the crease rule, thus allowing for the goal. No one recalls ever seeing the memo until the game was over that June night at 2am in the morning.

Twenty years later No Goal is seemingly bringing out the worst loser tendencies in people all over Western New York.

Cheryl Wopnewski, an X-Ray technician at Sisters Hospital says, “Every year at this time, not only do I get seasonal allergies, but every loser thing I ever did seems to come back to me. The threesome in the park back in high school, voting for George Bush, the tramp stamp I let Jimmy talk me into. Normally I have perspective about these things, but it gets to me at this time of year. It’s been especially bad this year on twentieth anniversary- all of the sudden my friends are sending and posting pics of me from that summer I was into nu-country and wore nothing but cowboy hats and boots and was all over social media saying I wanted to have Toby Keith’s love child. It’s so embarrassing.  Makes me want to cut off my hair, get a giant tub of Ben & Jerry’s and lay on the couch in my sweatpants and binge all eight seasons of the Gilmore Girls

Declan Muldoon, a producer at WECK radio feels it too. “Yeah, at this time of year I seem to let every hater I ever knew back into my head. I think about that time in school when I kicked Joey Flett in the stomach and he puked all over the floor. I know, he was like ten and I was fourteen, but he still had it coming to him. This year I also can’t seem to stop thinking about my old girlfriend Daffney Pinkerton. My 401K went up her nose, she slept with all my friends and she burned down my house, but there she is, occupying every third thought. And, you know what, I’m such a fucking Buffalo loser I would take her back in a heartbeat and start that shit all over again. I love that girl. If you see her, tell her my 401K is back up to two-hundred grand.”

Jon Spickler, an Operations Manager at the Erie County Sewer Authority has been waking up in a cold sweat for weeks. “I quit smoking about twenty years ago and all of the sudden I’m dreaming about cigarettes. I’m all disoriented when I get up and feel like a total loser because I think I started smoking again. It takes a moment to realize it’s only a dream, but those are some harrowing moments. Worse than that, in the last couple of weeks I’m feeling like I want to join the Church of Scientology. A few years back a bunch of were drinking downtown and took a tour of the church on Main Street, as a joke. But lately, I’ve been a little directionless and some of the things they said about achieving a State of Clear are really appealing to me. I’ve been rewatching the A&E show with Leah Remini about the dark side of Scientology on demand, but still feel helplessly drawn to it. God, I hope this passes before I do something really stupid.

People of Buffalo and Western New York realize a single sports championship won’t change their life prospects, but they do think a Stanley Cup or Super Bowl win would go a long way in keeping their worst, loser tendencies at bay.  

The post Twenty Years Later “No Goal” Still Makes Locals Feel Like Losers appeared first on buffalomud.com.