High-speed computing also has applications to this weekend’s NFL draft, and Santiago Sorrendemo, a mailroom clerk at the plaza location of M&T Bank, is annoying the shit out of his coworkers with his mock drafts. Santiago is a math major at UB and has run hundreds of mocks on the NFL Mock Draft Simulator for this weekend’s event in Green Bay. Usually, he’s friendly and efficient, but in the period between free agency and the draft, he’s become a hairy, rank taco box. Opinionated, argumentative, and totally exasperating.

John Jameriquai, a Commercial Credit Underwriter, secured a paid internship for Santiago this summer, but wishes he could rescind the offer. Jameriquai recounted a recent exchange with Santiago, who asked what he thought the Bills should do with their first pick. 

Jameriquai responded that all the playoff losses to the Chiefs seem to result from the Bills inability to hit or get Patrick Mahomes on the ground. The teams that did, the Eagles this past year and the Bucs in 2021, won the Super Bowl. So I said, “We need to go D-line—either Kenneth Grant from Michigan, or that guy Greg Cosell  called his favorite defensive lineman in the draft, Walter Nolen from Ole Miss.

According to Jameriquai, after rolling his eyes, Santiago pulled out his phone and completed four first-round drafts in two minutes. That’s great, I guess,” he said. “But both are never there when the Bills pick at 30.” He pointed to his phone, “Look, Nolen at 21 to the Steelers, Grant at 26 to the Rams.” He tapped his phone again. “Grant 21 to the Steelers, Nolen 26 to the Rams.” Again, he tapped his phone. “Nolen 15 to the Falcons, Grant 22 to the Chargers.” He tap his phone one final time, and again: “Nolen 14 to the Colts, and Grant 15 to the Falcons. “See,” he said, “the value at 30 is at DB, like Malaiki Starks from Georgia or Trey Amos from Mississippi.”

Jameriquai then suggested the Bills move up a few spots, and Santiago made a guttural sound, slammed his interoffice memos on his desk, and said, “Dumbass.”

Knowing that banking services analyst Lucy Leathertip was a Bills fan, Santiago casually asked her thoughts about the draft as he dropped mail on her desk. She said, “I don’t know, maybe more pass catchers for Josh.”
“Pass catchers for Josh?” Santiago said, raising his voice. “The Bills scored thirty points a game last year. Allen is the reigning MVP, and the everybody-eats philosophy has been enhanced with Josh Palmer. Curtis Sammauel and Keon Coleman are beefed up and healthy, and Khalil Shakir got paid. More pass catchers for Josh? Are you sure you’re a Bills fan? Jeeze.”

As he walked away, Leathertip, sat at her desk, and in a barely audible voice to no one in particular said, “And to think, I was going to fuck that kid.”  

Other coworkers had thoughts on Santiago’s mock behavior as well:

Immediate supervisor Constantine Crummler said, “At first I thought he had like a porn thing going on, because he’s on his phone all the time. I looked into getting him some help, but then I found out he was just mock drafting, and I was like— WHAT? I could respect the porn thing, but mock drafting? What a fucking loser.”

Mailroom coworker Peter Plutternut said, “I don’t really care about the draft. I only watch to see the shitty picks the Jets and Dolphins make. It’s great hearing their fans boo the picks.”

Systems Analyst (and virgin) Frankie “Blue Shoes” Fianisi guffawed, “Santiago is a chump. A rank amateur. You can take this draft to da bank.” He then pulled out the handwritten, detailed two-round draft pictured below.    

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Akim, a casual Bills fan at best, could look past Captain Dave’s, Andre the Giant like head, which dominates all their social media posts. She also has made peace with the fact he often stays up till the wee hours of the morning because someone on social media is wrong about the Bills drafting Josh Allen instead of Baker Mayfield and other NFL related nonsense. She could even look past the 7am gameday tailgate and the homemade Captain Dave superhero getup.

Well, no she couldn’t. She thought it was crazy a fifty-year old man was still be so invested in a game boys played as kids, but she was willing to tolerate it since the Captain was reasonably hygienic, had most of his teeth and has remained employed the entire time they’ve been together.

But now she’s re-evaluating the relationship after the Captain informed her he would not be able to attend the couple’s weekly Salsa Dance class on successive Thursday nights due to the release of the Bills schedule and then the NFL Draft. At first Akim thought he was joking, but the Captain became very serious saying, “The Bills haven’t played at Lambeau Field in eight years,” and then raised his voice to a scary level regarding the draft: “ AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DRAFT IN THIRTY YEARS.”

Concerned with his over the top passion, she nevertheless attended the Captain’s schedule release party and was astounded, watching her crazed boyfriend and his friends do Fireball shots after securing tickets that cost $400 on StubHub for a week four matchup against the Packers at Lambeau Field. The schedule release was literally the warm up to the night’s main event which found one of the party’s attendees so inspired at scoring Packer tickets he poured lighter fluid all over his clothes and then set himself on fire while being cheered on by his friends. Captain Dave turned to Akim as the paramedics wheeled out the badly burned man and said laughing, “It ain’t a Bills party until there’s a little human sacrifice and an ambulance.”

Appalled, yet morbidly curious, the way one is at a teen slashing movie, Akim plans to make her final determination about Captain Dave and their relationship after this weekend’s draft. The Captain has a draft board set up in his living room where he has conducted hundreds of mocks, trying to take into account every possible contingency and scenario. He’s planning pre-draft parties at his house starting at 4pm Thursday, Friday and Saturday before heading down to the Bills Field House to watch the draft live on ESPN. And then a Sunday wrap brunch at Marinaro’s Larkin Tavern.

Should an amputation or some other form of human sacrifice occur draft weekend Akim will likely end the relationship with Captain Dave. If that happens, she vows her next boyfriend will be less flamboyant and more laid back. She’s thinking about someone like this hipster dude from Human Resources, Brad, who sports a ridiculous beard, eats trail mix, likes Coldplay and only has a minor interest Manchester United of the Premier League.

Akim is hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst.                  

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