Washington D.C.—This past week President Trump signed a bill permanently reauthorizing the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund, which provides health care funding for surviving first responders of the nine-eleven terror attacks. During remarks prior to signing the bill Trump claimed to have been on the front lines of the rescue effort. 

” Many of those affected were firefighters, police officers and other first responders. And I was down there also, but I’m not considering myself a first responder. But I was down there. I spent a lot of time down there with you.”

These claims by the President are demonstrably false. On the morning of the attacks he was seven-miles away doing a phone interview on New York’s WWOR radio station bragging in typical Trump fashion that his building at 40 Wall Street was now the tallest building in New York with the Twin Towers down. On September 14th he was photographed at Ground Zero in a crisp black suit with every plastic aqua-netted hair in place telling lies into a cell-phone to a German news station about having hundred men helping in the rescue effort with a hundred-twenty-five more on the way.

But President Trump’s claims about being a first responder aren’t always untrue.

Soon after charges were filed against New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft for soliciting sex from a prostitute Trump, who has some real experience in this area, was seen conferring and planning a strategy to fend off these charges. In a statement to the press after meeting with Trump, Kraft proclaimed his innocence and then employed some of the Presidents gaslighting techniques asking why Bill Clinton was never charged with sex crimes. Why wasn’t Hillary ever locked up? Why Mika and Joe aren’t jailed for their awful show on MSNBC? Why does a commie like AOC have such nice clothes and look so well fed?

The President said of Kraft: “Bob Kraft is an amazing guy. He has a lot of money-billions and billions and billions- and as you know, many many people in the fake news want to take a great guy like Bob down. It’s absolutely disgusting and very unfair the way he has been treated over a little hand action. We’re going to take care of this for Bob.”

Prior to being President, as the owner of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, Trump was often on the front lines of many middle school graduations scouting the fourteen year old talent. While there is a whole pageant industry which feeds Miss Teen USA, Trump noted, “There are always some overlooked diamonds in the rough.” Referencing concerns about his presence at these graduation events Trump said, “Some people, not many, will always try to hit Trump. It’s sad and very unfair when all I’m trying to do is give these sweet luscious girls a chance of a lifetime.”  

And, of course, Trump is always the first-first responder from his perch high atop bullshit mountain. From this perch he assails everyone from world leaders to female soccer players with lies, deceit and hate. And, while he has told over ten-thousand lies in his two and a half years as President here is just a taste of the shit that rains down on us from bullshit mountain:

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” 

“All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body.”

“I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

 “They don’t write good. They have people over there, like Maggie Haberman and others, they don’t—they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.    

 “I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me…I would bomb the shit out of them.”  

“This is the Trump theory on war. But I’m good at war. I’ve had a lot of wars of my own. I’m really good at war. I love war in a certain way. But only when we win.”

“I like kids. I mean, I won’t do anything to take care of them. I’ll supply funds, and she’ll take care of the kids.”  

“In life you have to rely on the past, and that’s called history.”

“If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?

The post The Real Places Where Trump Was A First Responder appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—After nine seasons with the New England Patriots, Williamsville native Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement from football this week. The factors that led the three-time Super Bowl champ to step away from the game included: a litany of injuries, the glaring, wordless rebukes from Patriots coach, Bill Belichick that always made him feel like such an asshole and the demands of football which interfered with his Party Bus business and partying in general.

Gronk also cited that he’s grown weary of dominating his hometown team: the Buffalo Bills. “Yeah, I know,” he said, “I made plenty of exaggerated gestures when I picked up a first down and it seemed like I took some extra pleasure in spiking the ball when I scored against the Bills, but deep down it was killing me. They’ve sucked for twenty years now and for the last nine, I’ve been a big part of making them suck. But, the truth is, I’m tired of owning the Bills.”

Gronk’s numbers against the Bills are impressive. In fifteen games he caught 69 passes for 1070 yards and 12 touchdowns. The Patriots were also 13-2 against the Bills during his nine-year career. These numbers are slightly better than career averages, but Gronk noted, “My behavior was way more obnoxious in Buffalo than anyplace else.”

Despite being a big part of why the Bills have been dominated by the Patriots throughout his career, ironically enough it was the jeering of one fan: Captain Dave, that kept him motivated to stay in the game for as long as he did. “The first thing you notice about Captain Dave is his giant head- I mean, this fucking thing is like the Liberty Bell or something- it’s huge.”

Gronk related that he first met Captain Dave at a Bills tailgate in 2004 when he was an eleventh grader at Williamsville North. The veteran Bills fan took him under his wing and showed him how to sip whiskey and talk smack. “Week after week,” Gronk said, “I was flaming out in an embarrassing way at the tailgates until Captain Dave showed me how to pace myself. He also was really good when it came to running your mouth too- he knew how to deploy the smack at just the right time. The Captain is largely responsible for why I’m such a wordsmith today. ”

But the relationship soured when Gronkowski became a member of the Patriots. “The Captain was always easy to find in the stands because of his giant head and his Captain America get up. So, my first game in Buffalo I wave up to him from the endzone and he starts laying all this smack down on me, which really hurt. From then on his was the only voice I ever heard- year after year-game after game and it really motivated me to dominate.”

Gronk is unsure whether he will ever reconcile with Captain Dave, but he is sure that he is tired of football and owning the Bills. He said he is going to take some time to think about his next move, but thought he might like to be a stockbroker or maybe go to medical school. That, or be a pro wrestler.

The post Gronk Steps Away From Football Saying: “I’m Tired Of Owning The Bills” appeared first on buffalomud.com.