West Seneca, NY—Scrolling through Netflix local author P.A. Kane (The Last Playlist: A Sonic Epitaph) is almost always frustrated trying to find something to watch. He can’t believe the unimaginative, over the top shlock of shows like “Schitt’s Creek.” He’s confused by the popularity of folksy, unfunny and baby talking comedian Sebastian Maniscalco. And he wonders why the world needs another played out, cliched dad show—“Stop Embarrassing Me Dad,” starring Jamie Foxx—doesn’t Foxx owe Hollywood hundreds of millions in flops since “Ray?” 

And it’s the same with the other streaming services and regular TV, which are a vast wasteland of overly woke dramas, banal cop shows, bad singing, talent and home improvement shows and worst of all—baking shows. These baking shows never tell you about the hours you’ll spend trying to find the organic vanilla extract or the imported Brazilian flour. And they certainly never pan to the mountain of dishes it takes to create cutesy cupcakes. 

Kane, the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author, thought to address this issue by not only creating fresh new content, but a fresh new protagonist modeled after himself. The show, which he pitched to both Netflix and Hulu, would be called “Oh Boy, That Sucks,” and will be set mostly in libraries, coffee shops and his home office. It’ll feature Kane in his trademark black beret and half-turtleneck looking over the work of frustrated authors—pointing out their weak story lines, awkward phrasing, dangling modifiers and other aspects of their sucky writing. But this would all just be subtext to the client resolving the real issue—the blockage in their heads. 

An annoyed Kane would disparage their shitty work habits. He’d make fun of their self-analysis that always leads back to a father figure who either loved them too much or too little. And, he’ll take great pleasure in dismissing their overwrought self importance. But most of all he’ll get these asshole writers to understand that blockage wasn’t an obstacle to overcome, but rather something to explore and contemplate.

He’ll lead the romance writer to consummation, but along the way make them understand seduction is the most interesting part of a steamy novel; he’ll make the adventure writer see that exalting at the summit was far less entertaining than exposing the hardships on the way up the mountain; he’ll show the sports writer that it isn’t the ball going over the fence, in the net or breaking the plane that inspired readers, but the struggle to get there. And to the writer doing a detective series with a sexy female protagonist—well, he’ll run them out of his office and tell them to get a fucking life. The world didn’t need a whiskey swilling detective named Ashly Stone, who was a man in every way except for the pumps and a curvy ass.

Bit by bit he’ll break down the congestion clogging their thick heads and set them back on a path to being productive writers. In the series Kane will only accept monetary compensation for his efforts. Any over the top praise will be met with extreme eye-rolls and pithy put-downs. Endless offers to sleep with him will be politely declined. And, in true writer fashion each episode will end with Kane in front of his blank computer screen in a state of utter despair and self-loathing. 

Emails regarding the project are expected in the near future from both Netflix and Hulu. 

By P.A.Kane

The post Local Author To Model New Protagonist After Himself appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Henry Bonefickle, a parts manager at Booswami Hyundai was recently drawn into a new Netflix series featuring best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo. Kondo, is a Japanese woman known for her system of organizing and tidying up called the KonMari method, which consists of gathering together all of one’s belongings, one category at a time, and then keeping only those things that “spark joy.” The benefits of unburdening yourself of  possessions that don’t “spark joy,” are said to be increased creativity and a sense of inner peace. Bonefickle has fully embraced the KonMari method, but according to people in his life he has carried it a little too far.

Bonefinkle’s wife of thirteen years, Marie says she really appreciates that he cleaned out all their drawers and combined all the half-full Nyquil bottles that were cluttering up the shelving in a bathroom closet. “But,” she said, “at some point it gets to be too much. He goes on and on about folding, talking about what a huge loss it is for people who don’t know how to fold. He even has a KonMari chart that instructs you on how to fold properly. Don’t get me wrong I like a nicely arranged sock drawer as much as the next person, but he’s driving me fucking nuts talking about it and checking to see if I’m following the  principles correctly.”

At work he has encouraged everyone in the dealership to streamline and unclutter their work areas. While well intentioned Bonefickle has gotten himself in hot water with some his co-workers about the necessity of their personal effects. Doris Ballcup, a loan facilitator at the dealership often complains openly and bitterly about her lousy no good husband who lays on the couch with his hands down his pants watching ESPN, yet she has pictures of him all over her work space. Reasonably, Bonefickle suggested she remove these pictures because her “dick hugging lout” of a husband seems to cause her distress rather than “spark joy.”

After the comments Ballcup marched from her cube right into the office of the dealership’s manager, who promptly called to see Bonefickle and told him to mind his own business. Bonefickle, however, noticed piles and piles of papers in the manager’s office and went into a dissertation about paper being the third category in the Konmari decluttering method. Bonefickle was sent home and told not to come back to work till he could “stop being an asshole with all this Konmari bullshit.” That also included not playing “the goddamn REO Speedwagon” songs he was practicing on an acoustic guitar during lunch with his new found “goddamn creativity.”

Bonefickle’s return to work is pending. On the way he home he stopped at Bar Bang Bang and when the day bartender Gus, stepped away to use the restroom he decided the bottom shelf liquors—the Midori, Blackberry Brandy, Absinthe, Sloe Gin and Creme de Menthe among others—weren’t “sparking joy,” and he started to toss them in the garbage. Hearing the crashing bottles Gus hightailed it from the restroom and stopped him. Bonfickle, however, started right in on Gus, complaining the nonsensical arrangement of his tattoos also failed to “spark joy,” and he started to offer suggestions while poking him in various parts of his arms.

Bonefickle was rushed to surgery at Mercy Hospital where his face, which Gus caved in was like a messy, unkempt closet, and was reconstructed to be a face again. Whether it will be a face that “sparks joy,” or not is yet to be determined.       

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