Washington D.C.—Even though he was far removed from any kind of swimming situation, a less than robust Mike Pence experienced further penile shrinkage as the result of Kamala Harris being chosen as  Joe Biden’s vice-presidential running mate for the upcoming election in November. Pence complained bitterly to staffers that over the last four years President Trump has worn his penis down to a nub and now he has to face off against a powerful, sophisticated black woman throughout the fall. Lamenting his situation, Pence said, “Mother already has my balls in her purse, and now I have to go toe to toe with this prosecutor lady. Trying to defend what we’ve done for the last four years . . . my dick is going to be the size of a light switch when this is over.”  

“Mother,” is how the vice-president and every 1940’s just off the farm hayseed dillhoe refers to his wife. Evidence that the vice-president’s balls reside in “Mother’s” or Karen Pence’s purse are grounded in the fact that Pence has a policy to never be in a room alone or have a meal alone with a woman other than his mother/wife. This policy eliminates the possibility for impropriety on the part of the vice-president and the women. Because, as we know, the babes are lining up to be with a Race Bannon look alike who works for a racist organization that jails children, ignores pandemics, pulls out of climate change agreements and has an ever diminishing penis.  

Pence was hoping to stem the tide of his shrinkage with the choice of Susan Rice as Biden’s vice-presidential pick. In that case he could have just cited the Benghazi talking point over and over again, even though it has been thoroughly discredited. But now he’ll be up against a bold, quick witted former prosecutor who will be the first woman of color seeking the office of  vice-president. Realizing all of Harris’ strengths Pence became downcast thinking that his arsenal of  Bible bullshit like 2: Corinthians or 3: Romans or old tropes like radical lefty extremist were going nowhere against her. Considering the  challenge before him Pence could literally feel millimetres of his penis melt away. To no one in particular he despondently said, “I bet her husband doesn’t have to call her mother.”

The vice-presidential debate will take place on October 7th at the University of Utah.

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