“Keanu broods on a park bench and pigeons naturally hop up on his lap and cluck like songbirds. When he opens his mouth and makes pronouncements about kindness and good will—stuff I said thousands of years ago—all of the sudden everybody’s gaga about it,” the Son of Man said bitterly. “But if you’ll recall I went through a lot of shit to get the word out—shit like being killed and then coming back to life three days later. I wasn’t sitting on some movie set smoking cigarettes, eating craft services and trying to catch Sandra Bullock’s eye.  

Jesus also complained that most of the play he got these days was from all these MAGA assholes running around using his name to hate on the weak, vulnerable and those with differences. He also was none too pleased with these “false prophet shitbags” teaching that prosperity theology nonsense like Joel Osteen and Paula White. Prosperous for themselves in his name.

The Prince of Peace did acknowledge he was proud of Keanu, saying the guy really “gets it,” while also citing some key variations between them, “I mean, here I am leading twelve dudes around, teaching the mutants of the world about common decency. It’s a radical shift from all that eye for an eye shit and everyone is calling me names and doubting me. On top of that I have Saint Paul, always undressing me with his eyes. But all I really want to do is get with that hottie Mary Magdalene—trust me I saw her in just her linens—but I can’t because I have to give all my attention to saving the goddamn human race. It’s a hell of a road to hoe, and not only that, when I do have a private moment thinking about Double M, all smoky hot in those linens the next morning I got my mom, the Virgin Mary asking me a thousand questions about the crusty stuff on my tunic.” 

Jesus apologized for being petty and a little gross, but said he was frustrated and didn’t mean to imply Keanu’s life was without controversy because it wasn’t. But next to his own earthly life Keanu’s was a walk in the park. Then he added,  “And he can’t even grow a proper beard—you see that choppy shit all over his face, it’s an embarrassment.”

Jesus also warned that people should be careful about getting too caught up in Keanu’s adorableness. “My old man is kind of distracted these days thinking about what to do with fuckheads like Kanye and Putin, but he takes that’s worshiping false idol shit seriously and if he gets a whiff of it, he’ll go all Sodom and Gomorrah on mankind’s asses.

Raising his eyebrows Jesus said, “Trust me, you don’t want to piss off the big guy.”

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