Washington D.C.—This week an unhinged President Trump accepted the resignation of chief confidant Hope Hicks, referred to Attorney General, Jeff Sessions as DISGRACEFUL, embraced many of the left’s positions on gun safety, recklessly imposed new tariffs on steel and aluminum and considered further staff changes at John Kelly’s Chief of Staff position and in advisory roles son-in law,  Jared Kushner  and daughter Ivanka play. positions. Amid this chaos, Buffalo Mud has obtained White House phone logs which reveal a deluge of inquiries made by staffers for lifeboat options and services as Trump and his administration blunders toward an irrevocable and titanic crash.

Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, former commander of the United States Southern Command made calls to his former colleagues at the Marine Corps and secured a fully equipped special operations craft: the Riverine. Docked on the Potomac. the gun boat features: 2x GAU-17 miniguns; 1x M2HB .50 caliber machine gun; 2x M240B 7.62 mm light machine guns; 2x 40 mm Mk 19 grenade launchers because when this thing crashes Kelly is betting it ain’t going to be pretty.  

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump mapping out life after the White House, provided they are spared Mueller indictments, leveraged the largely unoccupied property at 666 Fifth Avenue and received another $500 million loan  from Deutsche Bank to purchase the Costa Concordia cruise liner which sank after hitting a rock outside of Tuscany in 2012. The hole has been patched and the ship is currently receiving Trump style gold plating and will be called the USS Ivanka. A spokesman for Kushner said stateroom sales are not where they need to be, but they are hoping for a boost with the announcement that Ivanka is set to host numerous yoga classes and Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, will hold seminars on how to tie a headband, beard growing and how to profit from bullshit Christian values you don’t really believe or follow.   

Secretary of HUD, Ben Carson after already cutting programs that help low income and poor people announced further agency cuts as he searches for a lifeboat that can accomodate the $31K dining table he bought for his office at taxpayer expense. A spokesman for Carson said, “We invested in this asset and the Secretary thinks it would be unwise to dispense with it, since it makes him look powerful while still being quite comfortable.

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders contacted Noah’s Ark builders as she will need a large, impenetrable ship as the fall out from the endless bullshit she spouted on behalf of the President is likely to come careening back at her and her family. She also needs space for said family, pets which include: four dogs, seven goats, three cows and a service falcon named Bucky, which she holds at night when she feels lonely. Huckabee Sanders will also need space to house what is said to be the largest collection of Rascal Flatts memorabilia in the United States.

As expected Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway made no inquiries as her soul was purchased and dispensed with long ago. Conway will go down with the ship.          

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Winslow, a software engineer said, “Games against good teams like the Broncos are typically over at halftime and rather than wait to the bitter end, experienced Bills fans know how to move on and get the most out of the rest of their Sunday.”

Even with the Bills leading 13-10 at halftime the jaded fans suffering through a seventeen year playoff drought drizzled out into the yard, cracked a beer, took a swim and bitched about how rookie Zay Jones couldn’t catch a cold and how Sean McDermott not only couldn’t manage a NFL clock, but he probably didn’t even know how to tell time.

Only Uncle Peter remained inside watching the game and even he became discouraged when the Broncos came out and tied the game on their first possession of the second half with a Brandon McManus field goal. But the Bills marched right down the field on the ensuing drive and regained the lead on a six yard Charles Clay touchdown pass from Tyrod Taylor.

When Uncle Peter updated everyone on the score Winslow’s wife Cyndi, called from the pool, “Give it up Peter, it’s only going to hurt worse when they blow the lead and lose,”causing everyone to laugh and nod in agreement.

But when the Broncos star linebacker Von Miller was called for taunting after a third down stop with just under eight minutes left in the game the Bills held the ball another four minutes and increased their lead 26-16 with a twenty-seven yard Stephen Hauschka field goal. With a little over three-minutes left and a ten point cushion it was hard to imagine how even the Bills could screw this up.

As everybody wearily came back into the house,  confounded by the late lead,  Winslow cynically stated exactly how the Bills would screw it up, “Three minutes huh… quick score by the Broncos, onside kick, field goal to tie at the buzzer, Bills lose in overtime.”

But that’s not how the game would play out. The Bills got another defensive stop and then took a knee to end the game.

Confused, everyone looked at each other trying to process what had just happened.

“Wow, they actually won,” said Winslow with a blank face.

“A win against a good team, what am I supposed to do with that?” Cyndi Winslow added looking into the distance.

“Yeah,” said Uncle Peter, like a Stockholm victim,  “I think we’re supposed to be happy, but for some reason I feel empty and let down.”

Standing among the group perplexed faces Winslow came up with the obvious answer, “Next week is the Falcons in Atlanta. They’re going to get crushed.”

A collective sigh of relief filled the air and a few people muttered “Bills suck.”

And, all was well again.   

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