“Why the hell can’t anyone stick the landing?”

Local Pennsylvanian and Senior Mud Contributor- David P. Zach has a problem with how storytellers are wrapping up their tales. “I don’t get it. I haven’t spent years of my life giving birth to these epics, but I’m pretty sure I could pound out a better finale for any of them in a weekend, tops.”

Zach, who was raised on Tolkien (i.e. the Only Books that Matter), is quick to point out that his ideas aren’t just better, they’re much, much better. “Game of Thrones, Avengers, 50 Shades of Grey, The Big Bang Theory – none of these writers have a CLUE how to wrap things up. Did Victor Hugo struggle deciding to burn up Boo Radley’s sled in the final scene?? No.

“Maybe it’s a generational thing,” he muses. “Things were different when I was young. People knew how and when to end something. The Godfather, St Elsewhere, Designing Women, Copacabana – talk about leaving on a high note! And it’s not just stories: Jefferson Airplane knew when their time was done. Same with Chuck Norris . And you don’t see Bruce Jenner still hawking boxes of Wheaties.”

Asked when things started going wrong, Zach points to the last decade. “The Sopranos? A fat middle-aged guy listening to Journey and not talking to his family?? Or as we call it, Tuesday?” And don’t get him started on LOST. “They’re dead, they’re not dead, they’re listening to Three Dog Night. And what happened to Walt?!?”

Zach was eager to give examples of how he would fix the stories of lesser men when it came to finales:

Kill Bill –  The Bride finds the man of her dreams in western New York and they live happily ever after.

Toy Story – Chucky from Child’s Play leads Buzz, Woody and the gang on a suicide mission to the Chinese factory where they were all made.

The Cosby Show – Phylicia Rashad gets replaced by Mariska Hargitay in the final year to ratchet up the tension.

Leaving Jackson Wolf – More hobbits.

The 1990 Buffalo Bills – Scott Norwood kills the Night King.

KISS – The band was just a bad dream in an autistic boy’s snow-globe fantasy world.

Asked about putting in the time and effort to build his own creation from scratch, Zach said that while he had considered it, he ultimately felt his talents were best put to use pointing out the failures of others.

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But people who value art above commerce are hoping perhaps for some type of mishap befall KI$$ front men and rock retailers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley on their supposed end of the road tour.

Nobody wants or is suggesting they get hurt badly, but enough so they are rendered incapable of ever touring or putting out another record again. Maybe a little bus crash where Simmons’ famous tongue is partially severed and he speaks with a pronounced lisp like that kid from grade school before he received speech therapy. And, maybe Paul Stanley could suffer throat damage from a bowl of flaming hot soup so that when he tries to belt out Detroit Rock City, he sounds like Patrick from Sponge Bob Square Pants. Okay, he already sounds like Patrick from Sponge Bob, but something that will render both of them incapable of singing or touring again because sure as shit falls to the bottom of a toilet these money grubbing assholes are going to find a fork at the end of the road and just keep on asking you to pay the toll.

Whatever mishap might befall them, it won’t stop the corporate rockers from pushing their KI$$ Clock Radios, KI$$ Caskets, KI$$ Lunch Boxes and everything else they sell, but it will save people with ears and critical thinking ability the insult of ever having to endure the tragedy of songs like Burn Bitch Burn which features brilliant Gene Simmons couplets like this:

                                        When love rears its head, I want to get on your case

                                        Ooh baby, want to put my log in your fireplace

Or the Paul Stanley penned tune Love Gun, which includes these inspirational lines:

                                        I really love you baby, I love what you’ve got

                                        Let’s get together, we can get hot

                                        No more tomorrow baby, time is today

                                        Girl, I can make you feel okay

                                         No place for hidin’ baby

                                         No place to run

                                         You pull the trigger of my

                                         Love gun (love gun), love gun

                                         Love gun (love gun), love gun

So vapid and bad are KI$$ even Jon Bon Jovi shakes his head in disgust.

You can do your part to end this American embarrassment by having your shaky, failed his road test twice, sixteen year old practice his parallel parking near the hotel where KI$$ is staying. Or maybe you’re on the culinary staff at said hotel. You could come into working really hungover and forget to turn the heat down on Paul Stanley’s chicken soup thus initiating throat damage.

People with ears and critical thought are hoping, begging and praying for a real end to the KI$$ nightmare.

The post People With Ears And Critical Thought Hoping For The Real End Of KI$$ appeared first on buffalomud.com.