West Seneca, NY—The twenty-fourth birthday of Lenorard Luthenpoe was recently celebrated at his parents house with a dinner of Indian takeout that included chicken marsala, samosas and plenty of naan (bread). It was a raucous dinner with everyone talking at once, an argument about how to equitably split up the naan and the family dog, Little Pete circling the table in hopes of picking off a stray fragment of the spicy chicken.

After singing happy birthday and cutting the cake Luthenpoe’s family, which includes his two older sisters and parents, settled in for the Declaration of Greatness. The Luthenpoe Declaration of Greatness is a family tradition when the people who know, love and appreciate you the most push back against a harsh and unforgiving world with a moment of praise and affirmation on your birthday.

His mom Lilly Luthenpoe started. Taking a deep breath, her eyes fighting back tears said, “Aw, little Lenny—my last born, my baby. Though my breasts were essentially ruined nursing you, those were the happiest eight-years of my life. Love you, my boy.” Lily then turned her gaze toward her husband and with a cynical smile said, “Heaven knows, no one else was paying my breasts any attention.” 

Next came sister Lucille, “Nobody was ever a better liar than you Lenny. Like that time my old boyfriend Lester left a used condom on the laundry room floor. Remember? You told dad you were experimenting with your body, but you didn’t want to leave incriminating evidence like crusty towels or socks around, so you were using condoms. It was the dumbest lie ever, but you were so sincere dad bought it.” Lenny laughed and nodded. “I’ll never forget that Lenny. You’re the best,” his sister smiled

Lynda Luthenpoe, Lenny’s oldest sister said, “I always appreciated your lack of inhibitions. Like when I used to dress you up like a girl and we would play Brittney Spears and sing “Opps!…I Did it Again” and “Toxic.” 
Again Lenny nodded and said, “Yeah, that was a lot of fun until that Larry kid started to come over and play Justin Timberlake with you. And after him that dude—what was his name? Luke, yeah Luke would play Kevin Federline with you. Good times.”      

After glaring a hole through his two daughters, Luther Luthenpoe, Lenny’s dad took a few breaths and with some emotion said, “It took about ten years before I didn’t have to remind you to bring the garbage totes in from the curb and you still do a shitty job cutting the lawn, but you can really grow a nice beard. It’s all even and full—no holes whatsoever. And, another thing, you’re great at picking up a pizza. Not once in all those times you went and got the pizza did you ever come back empty handed. It was always hot and you never lost it or dropped it. Not once—you’re 100%. Quite an accomplishment. I appreciate and love you son. Happy birthday.” 

 Lenny then raised his glass in appreciation and said, “To the greatest family ever. Thank you.”

By P.A.Kane

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Buffalo NY—From his tweed jackets to his pork pie hats retired Buffalo School Teacher, Jesse Holmes  cuts a sporty metro look. But style isn’t just skinny jeans and sweater vests when it comes to Holmes, it’s a statement of who you are and what you stand for. And in Holmes’ case that statement makes one think of vegan donuts, chocolate martinis and Prince during his symbol period. So when he recently added a “man purse” to his repertoire, not only did this raise questions about where he was going with his look, but also what the hell he’s carrying around in the bag?

Men typically are limited to carrying keys, wallet, cash and a phone, all of which can be comfortably stored in pants pockets with room to spare. While Holmes agreed most men could get by with just their pants pockets, he said he wasn’t “most men. ” But, when asked what was up with the man purse he looked to the sky and said he was readying himself for the day in the future when he switches to an all skirt wardrobe. He then pointed to his legs, “Look at these calves, they should be on display 24/7—they’re gorgeous.”  

Mary Lou Holmes, his wife of thirty-seven years has no clue what he’s carrying around in the man purse, but is unconcerned. “In the old days it would have been a mash of papers waiting to be corrected, but I really don’t know . . . maybe his favorite favorite Susan Sontag or Charlotte Bronte books. All I know is one day I found a magazine open on the dining room table with a picture of Justin Timberlake rocking the man purse and the next day Jesse had one. But, we know JT needs the man purse for all those condoms he has to carry around because, you know— he’s JT. We also know Jess ain’t carrying around no condoms—maybe some water pills for when he feels bloated or tweezers for when his eyebrows get unruly, but not condoms”   

His brother, Bo Holmes said, “A man purse? I’m not surprised. Growing up he was always using all the hot water when he showered and then would stay in the bathroom for hours doing “Laverne & Shirley,” bits in front of the mirror. He’s just a real frustrating, weird guy. Last week he posted a Lisa Loeb song on social media and my wife had to hide my keys because I swear to god, I was about to go over to his house and beat the shit out of him. Lisa fucking Loeb, gimme a break.” 

Here’s more reactions and speculation regarding Holmes’ man purse from Western New Yorkers: 

Conductor of the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, JoAnn Faletta had this to say, “Who cares what’s he’s carrying around in that purse. It really works for him. He’s like a young, less handsome, Gustav Mahler.”

Local author P.A.Kane was more circumspect, “Yeah, well, I don’t know much about having a look, but I’m pretty sure that Holmes’ bag is filled with regrets. Most of us self hate in silence and try to quash our demons with bourbon or vodka, but Holmes is different. His are closer to the surface and at some point he’s going to open that bag and let them all out and there’s going to be lots of crying and more Lisa Loeb songs.”

President of the Buffalo School Board, Sharon M. Belton-Cottman laughed and said, “That’s funny, because I’ve been trying to downsize my life and have taken to carrying just a wallet. But whatever works for Mr. Homes is fine.” 

Businessman and former Repuplican nominee for New York governor, Carl Palidino said, “A man purse? I always knew that Holmes guy was a fruit.”

Despite the jokes, criticism and speculation Holmes is convinced the man purse will catch on and won’t be just for sporty, metro trendsetters like him. 

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