Elma, NY—Convalescing from a shoulder injury he incurred at work, FedEx veteran Marcel Bovine has been healed and more by Judge Judy.

The slow road to recovery for Bovine has been marked by episodes of depression, self-pity and coming to terms with the hard realization that he just isn’t what he used to be. Despite his injury and hopeless state of mind he  longed to return to his pointless job of putting Amazon and Target boxes on peoples’ porches and being barked at by bored dogs. Treatments , which included therapy and lathering up his injured shoulder with copious amounts of Bengay,  had been largely unsuccessful. This left Bovine plenty of time to catch up on some reading: A Beginners Guide to Bad Tattoos, by Shawn Morrissey ($19.95) and Outwitting Squirrels by James Beefnut($24.95). He also has started to watch television.

Striving to find a work-life balance Bovine had long ago eliminated television from his daily routine, save for self-hating practice of watching Buffalo sports teams. But while injured and depressed he started to watch some television. He would catch some news bits and laugh at anchor Mary Alice Demler’s constant head bobbing while her partner Scott Levin talked. One day he switched the channel to The Big Bang Theory, a show he heard about but never watched. It was after the Big Bang, while in the kitchen fixing a bologna sandwich he heard that severe, sent from heaven, no nonsense voice of Judge Judy.

Shocked at her tone, Bovine watched with glee as Judge Judy dressed down a man who was being sued for breaking all the windows in his apartment. The man persisted in explaining why he broke the windows (a fentanyl freakout), rather than answering her specific questions, which eventually led her to yell at the man to “SHUT UP!!!” The disapproving facial gestures, the harsh rebukes, the stinging put downs—Bovine was in love. While breathlessly expressing this new found love with himself, he unfortunately learned that he still had remnants of an earlier application of Bengay on his finishing hand and burned himself quite severely.

But, it didn’t matter—Bovine was a new man. He quickly became estranged from his wife of thirty-two years, who was  just too nice and always let him off the hook. Going forward, whenever he engaged in any task, he had Judge Judy’s hard, dismissive voice in his head. Soon, his shoulder issues dissolved, he found self-respect in those Amazon boxes and barking dogs and most of all he refused to think of himself as not being what he used to be. He so loved the the discipline Judge Judy brought him he even had wristbands made up: WWJJD—What Would Judge Judy Do . . .

But like so many others before him, Bovine was not contented with just being  healed and inspired by Judge Judy’s strength and power. After finding out where she lived he showed up drunk off his ass at her home at 2am on a Saturday night hoping not only to thank her for all she had done for him, but to express his love for her. Of course, Judge Judy readily beat the shit out of Bovine, had him arrested and got a restraining order.

As Bovine tells it now, having Judge Judy beat the shit out him was the single greatest three minutes of his life.

The post Judge Judy Heals Injured Worker And More . . . appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—An unemployed forty-three year old restaurant worker from the Old First Ward, John Dunphy, alleged mental and sexual abuse against himself in Buffalo Civil Court last week. In the filing before Judge Leronda Williams the plaintiff, who was also the defendant, cited hateful, self-esteem crushing speech emanating from his own head and unwanted sexual advances committed by his hands on himself, including both groping and stroking, resulting in ongoing mental anguish.   

Audio of a recent exchange between Dunphy and his mom Toni, at their O’Connell Street home was captured on a cell phone and submitted as evidence. The exchange centered on a plate of  freshly baked Christmas cookies, which were consumed by Dunphy. On the recording Toni Dunphy innocently asks John if he ate the cookies. After saying he accidentally knocked the plate on the floor, Dunphy confesses in a testy voice, “Yes, I ate them. I ate all the cookies and drank a half gallon of milk too and I’m not sorry.”

In reassuring tones Dunphy’s mom responds by telling her son it’s alright, she could bake more, giving rise to  Dunphy’s combustible self-hatred, “I knew you’d say that, ‘it’s alright, don’t worry, everything is fine.’ Well, everything’s not fine. I’m a monster with no self-control. Everybody else can have one or two cookies, but not me, I have to eat the whole plate, It’s the same with pizza and hot dogs. Everybody else can have one or two, but not me, I need five or six because I’m a pig and a lout and a loser,” he could be heard screaming.

Court papers also explained Dunphy’s penchant for strong women and his lack of self control, which was backed up by the cell phone audio as well, “And you know what I did after I ate all the cookies mother? I turned on Judge Judy and diddled myself till I was all sloppy. Dilly Dilly to me. I know, I can just change the channel when I get these urges, but when I do, you know what happens?…Joy Behar is on CNN, Kathie Lee and Hoda are pounding wine on Today and goddamn Amy Farrah Fowler is everywhere. And, when I turn off the TV, that waitress from the Wayside, Doris jumps into my head or Shirley, the Rite Aid pharmacy assistant, who suffers no fools, comes to me and the result is always the same, loathsome diflement at my own hands followed by rounds and rounds of brutal self-hatred.”

Without really looking up from the papers before her Judge Williams noted, since this ambiguous thing called justice, rather monetary compensation was being sought, she was going to rule in favor of both the plaintiff and defendant with a referral to the State Mental Health Board, where Dunphy could find resources to address his ongoing problems.

Hearing the ruling Dunphy shot up from his seat and pounding the table with his fist yelled, “I don’t want a stupid referral, I want JUSTICE!!!”

At which point Judge Williams also stood up and from behind the bench said, “Excuse me, this court has ruled and JUSTICE, has been served Mr. Dunphy. You will take your referral now and get some help.  However, if you choose to continue with these disrespectful outbursts I will have you locked up until which time you can conduct yourself properly in these chambers. Do you understand me?”

Dunphy just stood there with his head down, while Judge Williams repeated herself, “Mr Dunphy, do you understand me?”

After a moment Dunphy looked up with a big smile on his face threw his arms up in the air and triumphantly yelled, “Yes, yes, I understand. And Judge.will you please spank me…I mean, marry me?”

Annoyed court staffers then escorted  Dunphy from the courtroom as he continued to proposition Judge Williams and yell “Dilly Dilly.”        

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