Buffalo, NY—After two-years of being overrun with Covid related illnesses, area hospitals rejoiced at the return of St Patrick’s Day parades and treating the unique maladies of Irish revelers. This past weekend hospital staff saw patients suffering from alcohol poisoning, broken jaws and a rash of men who “accidently” slipped and somehow ended up with shillelaghs lodged in their asses.

Nadine O’Hanrahan, a RN at Mercy Hospital said it was a nice change to treat people with good old alcohol poisoning as opposed to more serious illnesses. Hooking up those IV’s and cleaning up drunken fools who pissed or shit themselves after three days of Guinness and Jameson’s abuse was the most fun staff has had since Covid started two-years ago. 

“It was also really enjoyable to watch these guys come out of their stupors, look at their phones and try to piece together their weekend,” said O’Hanrahan. “Unfortunately, I did come across one inconsolable young woman who, when she did her reassembling, realized she had slept with this guy named Sean Brown—again. She cried and cried saying that she fucking hated Brownie, despite  always sleeping with him whenever she got wasted. There was just something she couldn’t resist about his crooked teeth and how proud he was to be chronically unemployed. She said the only way to stop this endless self-loathing was to get knocked up by Brownie and have his dumb fucking kid—mangled teeth and all.”

Dr. Kilgore Finnegan, a Buffalo General Emergency Room physician said he had a real jump in his step as a result of wiring up thirteen broken jaws this past weekend from the continuous post parade bar brawls. The atmosphere in the ER according to Finnegan after a couple years without the parades and Covid was light hearted and celebratory. “We had some corn beef sandwiches, Flogging Molly on the Bluetooth and all these drunken losers with black eyes and broken jaws filling the ER after a great weekend of good old Irish debauchery.” It was just tremendous to get back to doing this kind of medicine with these kinds of people.”

“Oh boy, was this a fun weekend,” said Dr. Zeena McLuren an Emergency Room physician at Mt. St. Mary’s Hospital in Niagara Falls. “We had several men come in after their game of hide the shillelagh went terribly wrong, if you know what I mean.” Dr. McLuren explained that removing an old Irish love stick stuck in a man’s ass was a first year med school stuff. But the stories of how they “accidently” got there were just great. “Two men said they tripped and fell into the shillelaghs after saying their prayers with their mother’s. Another man told me he was practicing his Ceili dance steps with friends when he slipped onto the long pronged stick.” Smiling, she went on, “He suddenly got very quiet when I asked him why he was practicing his steps in green chaps over a garter belt and lace  stockings. I love these Irish mutants.”

The Old Neighborhood Valley Parade and the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade returned to Buffalo this past weekend after a two year absence due to Covid concerns.  

The post With Covid Concerns Decreasing Area Hospitals Enjoy A Rowdy Return To St. Patrick’s Day Weekend appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Vaccine hesitant, freedom loving Western New Yorkers are standing with outspoken Bills wide receiver Cole Beasley in spite of his absurd man bun. Under different circumstances it might be hard to look past the hairy hacky sack ball ensconced atop his head, but Beasly, with his disdain for elites and his willingness to peddle conspiracy theories, is a character straight out of the Fox News grievance lab. Hell, the anti-vax crowd doesn’t even care that he’s a white rapper.

After the best year of his career in 2020 where he caught 82 passes for 967 yards, Beasly spent his off-season objecting on Twitter to Covid rules handed down by the NFL and the NFLPA (players union). Speaking like Anne Coulter, but with a less distinct penis, he said: “I’m going to live my one life like I want to regardless. I will be outside doing what I do. I’ll be out in public. If your (sic) scared of me then steer clear, or get vaccinated … I may die of covid, but I’d rather die actually living.”

This week, after stating he was going to stop talking about Covid and the vaccines, for like the tenth time, Beasly and his golden millennial mullet struck a conspiratorial note: “Information is being withheld from players in order for a player to be swayed in a direction he may not be comfortable with.”
When pressed to explain what information is being withheld Beasly ran from the question like Matt Gaetz runs from questions about teenage girls: “I said what I said. That’s kind of where I want to leave it. I don’t want to get into a lot of details.” 

Area Western New York Anti-Vaxxers standing with Beasly:

Max McCarthy, South Buffalo: “Go Bills. Smash tables. Pound beers. Fuck Brady. Josh Allen is the best. Fuck Fauci. His body, his life. Fuck Goodell. Smash tables. Eat wings. Piss in the sink. Highmark is a stupid name. We own the east. Fuck masks. Fuck Covid. Smash tables. Bease forever. I don’t care about his douche knot. Go Bills!!!!”

Kamil Richardson, third bar stool from the door- Old Pink: “Ya, know, there’s consequences to the vaccine they don’t tell you about. They say getting it takes ten minutes on two different days, right? But if you think about it’s way more than that. It’s ten minutes getting dressed, five getting my man hive in place, five driving there, five minutes driving back. All said and done I bet it ends up being about two hours. If properly motivated I can jerk off four times in two-hours. I can drink ten Jack & Cokes in two-hours. I can watch four episodes of Jerry Springer in two-hours. See where I’m going here. It’s just more government bullshit. I respect Beezer for standing up.”  

Donley Wainwright, Colden: “Let’s talk about freedom for a minute. Bease said something like, “I may die of covid, but I’d rather die actually living.” Gotta appreciate that point of view. He values freedom so much he’s willing to die to live his way. The easy thing would be just getting the shot and go living. Go on being husband and a dad, go on playing for a Super Bowl contender. That would be easy, but that ain’t living, that’s being a sheep.” 

Dave Vandalay, Military Road Methadone clinic, Kenmore: “All I gotta say is, I got vaccinated when I was a kid and look how I turned out.  Fuck that shit.
Oh yeah, one more thing, I understand artistic expression and all, but I wish Bease would Zeppelin up his raps—they suck. You feel me? Like, Bease is cool and his anti-vax stance is cool, but his rapping sucks. Props Cole, but clean up that rapping mess.”

Covid and vaccinations are likely to remain a newsworthy issue as the delta variant grows in strength and cases increase.

The post Local Anti-Vaxxers Are Standing With Cole Beasley In Spite Of His Man Bun appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—Facing a shortage of workers and unable to absorb the cost of raising  wages, area restaurant owners are pledging to reduce shitty treatment of employees by twenty-five percent along with other incentives to lure workers back to their establishments. 

Without wage and benefit inducements owners and their managers think the way forward is to not be the assholes they were before the pandemic. Female wait staff can expect fewer propositions and lewd comments about their asses. Kitchen staff can expect fewer remarks about their oddly shaped heads and lack of brainpower. 

Big Joe Dumont of Big Joe’s House of Fish in Riverside said, “I been around a long time and in recent years its come to my attention that the waitresses I employ at a robust $8.35 per hour find my editorial remarks about their bodies—offensive. Back in the day you’d boost a girl’s confidence by complimenting their um . . . pectorals, but whatever, I can make the adjustment. What’s going to be really difficult is to keep my amorous advances in check. I’m what you call a lover, not a fighter and like our great 45th President, Donald J. Trump, sometimes I can’t help myself and just start kissing and then move on them like a bitch. That’s going to be the challenge. But if the success of the restaurant depends on it, I’ll make it happen.” 

Eddie Alfonzo, of Alfonzo’s Sausage & Soup in Derby said, “We got this dishwasher named Joey, who’s been with me a long time—like fifteen years. I admit that I do point out he is a fucking moron, maybe twenty or twenty-five times a day, but the kid is like a son to me. I say it with love and I can tell you this, nobody would have kept that idiot around for as long as I have. But I’m going to make a concerted effort to reduce that to ten to fifteen times a day no matter how many glasses that fucking meathead breaks. And once a month I’m going to make that uppity waiter, Stephon clean the grease trap instead of Joe. That hairless fucker in his skinny jeans and his bullshit woke attitude walks around here like he’s so much better than all of us.

Others are taking a different approach. Some managers are offering an end of shift beer and other team building incentives. A bar manager from a busy Chippewa Street nightspot, who didn’t want to be identified, said not only is he going to give employees an end of shift beer but he plans on providing his peeps with a few bumps of crystal blue persuasion throughout the night. “Yeah,” I know this sophomore from one of the local high schools who cooks meth. He calls it crystal blue, but that’s more aspirational because it’s really this terrible cloudy white shit that sucks. But nothing pulls a team together and keeps them motivated like the boss giving them free drugs, even if they are shitty drugs. Word of this will get around and pretty soon there’ll be a line of desperate motherfuckers trying to work for me.”

Owners hope to see an uptick in applicants soon, but are increasingly becoming resigned to the fact they might have to start paying a living wage with benefits.        

The post Area Owners Pledge To Reduce Shitty Treatment Of Employees By Twenty-Five Percent appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—WTF? All the women at work are crushing on Mason. That’s the feeling among the male members of the Surge Team at Buffalo Surgical Supply. 

The fifteen member Surge Team which works remotely and interacts with each other via Microsoft Teams is composed of ten females and five males. The group was assembled at the start of the Covid crisis and has been filling PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) orders for area pharmacies, medical facilities and hospitals. 

In the early chaotic days of the crisis when the Surge Team was incredibly busy the crushing on Mason was barely noticeable. But as infections waned last summer and the team had more time to chat and interact about personal matters the crush became apparent. It came to a head one day when Maryn, the team manager, called on Mason during a meeting and he wasn’t there. He was back a moment later saying, “What? . . . Who, me? . . . Sorry, the DoorDash guy was here with my Burrito Bowl and Queso Blanco from Chipotle.” When he finished explaining where he had been, a strange thing happened—all the women in the group giggled. 

From there it was a thing. Everyday the women asked Mason what was for lunch and no matter his answer, whether it was a chicken sandwich from Sue’s NY Deli on Main Street or a Gyro from Pano’s on Elmwood they all giggled like it was 1998 and Joey Fatone just sat down at their lunch table. 

Soon after that Nat, one of the Surge Team members, casually brought up that he had an awesome Falafel from Rachel’s Mediterranean and except for one perturbed sigh, there was dead silence. Recently, another group member who everyone calls Tark, announced he was doing a 5K Tough Mudder event—his first since the start of the pandemic. Female members responded with a certain amount of dismissiveness and asked why he would torture himself like that. But when Mason mentioned he had started some light running and weight lifting and had lost some weight the ladies asked him a bunch of questions and complimented him. And, of course—they giggled. They giggled like it was 1971 and David Cassidy just leaned up against their locker after third period Algebra. 

This has been the pattern with the Surge Team throughout the pandemic according to team leader Abe. “It’s frustrating,” he said. “Like, last fall I took a week off to go help fight the forest fires in California and when I came back and brought it up in a meeting nobody wanted to hear about it. All they wanted to talk about, especially the women, was Mason’s Vegetable Lo Mein and what he thought of the Andy Samberg movie, “Palm Springs,” he watched over the weekend. And, I’m like WTF?”

That’s the consensus among the male members of the Surge Team—WTF? Or as Tark said in a philosophical moment, “Women—can’t live with them—it sucks not to be Mason.”   

By P.A.Kane

The post WTF? All The Women At Work Are Crushing On Mason appeared first on buffalomud.com.

West Seneca, NY—For the most part, Bill Tomlinson, a shift supervisor at the Ford plant in Hamburg has gone through his entire adult life thinking people are fucking assholes. But, Tomlinson is learning that sometimes there can be  extenuating circumstances and people are just doing the best they can under trying circumstances.

In the past if someone hesitated for a brief second at a traffic light Tomlinson would be on it. From his Ford F-150XLT he would hurl devastating invectives and blow up them up with his horn. But last week sitting at the red light at Harlem & Seneca in West Seneca, Tomlinson got a taste of his own medicine. Waiting on the light he received a text from his brother informing him their Grandma was ill with Covid. Taking in this information as the light turned green Tomlinson hesitated a half-click and the guy behind him in a black Chevy Silverado (yes, a Silverado) laid on his horn and yelled out his window, “Let’s go, you fucking dummy.”

After flipping off the guy in the Silverado and yelling back that he could go fuck himself Tomlinson started to think about some special moments with his Grandma. Like when she taught him how to tie his shoes and how she defended him when his brother would make fun of him for thinking Donatello was the coolest Ninja Turtle. It was in these searching moments where he started to think about all those people he cussed out and blew up with his horn. Instead of being fucking assholes, maybe they were just getting some heartbreaking news about their grandma’s.

This was a revelation for Tomlinson and caused him to consider all those people he had judged so harshly. Maybe the hot pharmacist at Wegmans really wasn’t a “fucking bitch.” Maybe, when she told him she didn’t like “married guys with dirty fingernails and erectile dysfunction,” she was just being honest. Maybe his son wasn’t a “fucking idiot” for not wanting to go rod & gun club with him. Maybe he really thought the guys at the rod & gun were a bunch of sad losers with no meaningful purpose in life. Maybe every NFL referee wasn’t “a blind motherfucker always trying to screw the Bills.” Maybe they were just calling the game the way they saw it and sometimes got things wrong. 

It’s a slow process, but Tomlinson is seeing the world with a new perspective from not judging little yapping dogs as “fucking wastes” to trying to understand the “fucking morons” who don’t consider Led Zeppelin IV the greatest album ever made. But, for as much progress as Tomlinson is making, he remains steadfast about the fucking assholes that drive Chevy Silverado’s (especially the black ones), saying, “Yeah, fuck those assholes, now and always.”

The post Local Man Learning People Aren’t Always Fucking Assholes appeared first on buffalomud.com.