Buffalo, NY—A couple of hair stylists staged an intervention this week at the Larkinville office of U.S. Congressman Brain Higgins, hoping to thwart a full blown tragedy with the representative’s chocolate colored locks, which in recent years have devolved into something akin to a bird’s nest. As skilled as the congressman has been in securing federal funds for Western New York as part of President Biden’s infrastructure bill and in the development of Buffalo’s Waterfront, he can’t seem to figure out what to do with that curious patch of moss on his head.

The stylists were prompted to action after Higgins was pictured attempting the Fieri—as in the spiked look of restaurateur, Guy Fieri (lower right in pic above). Linda Gingertosser, a stylist at the Mane Event in West Seneca said she couldn’t stand by anymore once she saw Higgins going for the Fieri. “I just had to do something to stop that disaster,” she said. “When we showed up at his office he had a bag from CVS, which he denied was peroxide but we’re pretty sure it was.”

“One-hundred percent it was peroxide,” said Kerrianne Blunette, a stylist at Locks of Love in Blasdell. “He was about to frost that lettuce into oblivion before we got there and stopped him.”

Gingertosser and Blunette characterized the congressman as initially defensive, refusing to acknowledge he had a problem. He did say in the past he maybe didn’t know when to say when with the blow dryer or the Aqua Net. But that was the past and now, he was perfectly capable of handling the product that spiked his hair. “At that point,” said Gingertosser, “I put my hand on his arm and told him it was alright, we were going to help him.”

He then broke down, admitting that he did have a problem and didn’t know what to do. He hugged both stylists and asked for their help. “It was quite a moment,” said Blunette. “I felt so bad for the guy, but I was glad to be there for him.”

The stylists said they got right to work showing him a variety of cuts including low and mid fades, a crew cut, even a French crop, but the Congressman had his own ideas, leaning toward more of a 1980’s new wave look. He told the ladies how he loved to dance to Kajagoogoo on the Elmwood strip in the 80’s when he was an undergrad at Buffalo State. After some back and forth they walked him back from the new wave do, but only as far as the whiteman fro of exercise guru of Richard Simmons.

Both stylists agreed that while “the Simmons” wasn’t ideal—it was a start. After years of abuse it was going to be a process and expectations needed to be managed.    

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Washington D.C.—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the twenty-nine year old Democratic Socialist from New York’s 14the Congressional District is being characterized by Republicans as the left’s latest phony hero. AOC’s socialist rhetoric of single payer health care, a Green New Deal and raising marginal tax rates on wealthy Americans is being regarded by conservative opponents as the same unimaginative Socialistic twaddle that generations of Americans have unequivocally rejected. Conservatives, however, are becoming increasingly concerned over an AOC plan to tax the air we breathe.

Porcine Clementine, a Republican strategist at the “Let Them Eat Cake” think tank in Fairfax, Virginia said, “On the one hand, AOC proposes the same old socialist tropes that enslave people to mediocracy and dependence instead of inspiring them to break the chains of oppression and take control of their lives.” But, Clementine cautioned, these Socialist proposals are likely to just be cover for her more ambitious program to tax the air we breathe. Sources say AOC plans to introduce a user tax on the great, and presently free, American air we breathe based on the zip codes. Those living in affluent places like 33109: Fisher Island, Miami Beach, Florida and 94301: Palo Alto, California will pay a user fee not only because they benefited the most from the air, but because the carbon they exhale contains elements of neglected babies and puppies and bits of the underpaid, overworked employees they exploit. Americans in poorer zip codes who struggle with basic oxygen intake will be receive waivers on the fee.

Bubba Fuddnickle, the President of the John Birch Restoration Project said, “This user fee business is the same old class warfare tactic the left has used forever and you can bet that phony AOC won’t impose this fee in her New York district or Washington. He offered a counter proposal saying user fees should be means tested and based on nostril size. “If we’re going to have this fee, everybody needs to have skin in the game starting with AOC.” Pointing to AOC’s nostrils Fuddnickle asked, “Have you ever seen hers—they’re huge.” He argued because of AOC’s large nostrils she receives a disproportionate share of oxygen, whereas normal people like himself and others in places like Arkansas and Mississippi with normal sized nostrils get cheated out of air through no fault of their own. “She has all this oxygen speeding to her brain while very little of anything is making its way into ours.”   

Wadley Dustfiddle, author of The Hidden Beauty of Joe McCarthy warned his conservative brethren not to become too focused on any one AOC proposal. “She’s just throwing things against the wall and seeing if any of it sticks. She obviously is misrepresenting herself and is a total phony. I mean, did you see her doing the dance routine from the Breakfast Club? How would a Socialist dog from the Bronx even know about a movie like The Breakfast Club? And, what would she know about the pain of suburban white kids whose dad’s ignore them when they don’t succeed at sports or the smart nerdy kid who can’t get a cheerleader to look his way?” In her little Latino gulag they never think about white pain—all they think about are jobs, opportunity and having enough to eat.”

Dustfiddle also pointed out that socialist AOC has never been seen eating the sagging skins of rotten Russian potatoes—but she has been spotted at Applebees eating a real American burger and fries and didn’t even save anything for later. “It was like she knew where her next meal was coming from and maybe even had more food at home,” he said. Rumor has it she also paid off a loan on a 2008 Honda Civic entirely with real American cash. Not once did she offer to barter services with the bank or take in anyone’s laundry or darn anybody’s socks—it was all paid for with cash. In closing Dusfiddle said, “Plain and simple she’s an opportunist and a phony and is conning the American people.”

AOC responded to these allegations with one terse tweet saying: “I look forward to helping our conservative brothers and sisters get some much needed oxygen into their heads.”   

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