Cheektowaga, NY—After five years of arguing, Chuck Wagonblott, an English teacher at Amherst High School has finally accepted that his lifelong friends are assholes. A downcast Wagonblott said, “The last time I felt this bad was freshman year when Mary Anne Coniglio, after months of painstaking work, waved me over to second base and then in front of all her friends dumped me because my “technique was inadequate.” Back then, my buds: Squeaky Pete, Little Mikey and Bone knew all the right names to call her to make me feel better.” 

But it’s different now and it all started with Donald Trump running for President. Wagonblott noted up until then none of his childhood friends ever even talked about politics. So when they started popping off about Trump on social media and talking MAGA bullshit he was shocked. “I mean, we started out being friends through sports and then girls. It was always just light and breezy. Now these guys  talk about the election like they’re fucking constitutional lawyers. And, Little Mikey with all this nonsense about Q’Anon and the Jews using lasers to set fires in California. It’s just so disheartening.”

It came to a head this week with the second impeachment trial of Trump when Wagonblott finally accepted what he probably knew all along. “One does ponder that their friends might be assholes when they drink fifty shots of Fireball and then use their bodies to destroy folding tables at a Bills tailgate. Or when they throw away a marriage because their wife after a long day of working the counter at the Omega Deli doesn’t look or smells like olive loaf and not the girl next door.”

But the last straw was when they started to argue on social media about the impeachment. A frustrated Wagonblott said, “Squeaky Pete once asked me if JFK (as in John F. Kennedy)wrote the Harry Potter series before or after he was in office, mistaking him for JK Rowling. And, now the fucking guy is talking monetary policy and is railing about the money being wasted on the impeachment. Or Bone, he goes off on the Dems about abuse of power, but when you ask about Trump calling the Georgia Secretary of State and telling him to find 11K votes or the call to the President of Ukraine to get him to investigate Joe Biden, he gets all smug and calls you a brainwashed libtard. I just can’t take this shit from those assholes anymore.”

At work Wagonblott does have more progressive, media literate friends, but he’s not sure they’re really his kind of people. “I like that they’re well read and in tune with the real problems like inequality and climate change, but they eat their wings with ranch dressing and they don’t get why everyone hates Tom Brady. Worst of all they think fucking Coldplay is a good band.”

Wagonblott is going to monitor his asshole friends’ social media for the remainder of the winter, hoping by spring they’re over all this political bullshit and they can get back to just doing fun things like playing cards and golfing.

By P.A. Kane

The post Local Man Finally Accepts His Best Friends Are Assholes appeared first on buffalomud.com.

This guide book will delve into the history and psychology of tattoos and will also provide practical advice on choosing new skin art and how to compensate for mistakes, which is Morrissey’s real area of expertise—the bad tattoo choice.  

An early look at the book, which is still coming together, reveals a broad picture of tattoos throughout history. The art form originated in Southeast Asia before the Christian era and came to the United States by way of sailors who had visited these South Pacific ports. But it wasn’t until the Civil War that skin art became popular in America, when soldiers on both sides of the conflict, started to be earnestly tattooed. Morrissey, though he never served in the military, cites his love of the military movies: Stripes with Bill Murray and A Few Good Men  with Tom Cruise as major contributors to his love of ink. He can recite long stretches of dialogue from Stripes—Who has greater potential for growth than me? I’m the acorn that becomes the oak—and has ironically named his two-pound Yorkshire Terrier: Sergeant Hulka. Morrissey also spends long periods of time in front of the mirror each day making menacing faces and imitating Jack Nicholson’s character from A Few Good Men— You can’t handle the truth. Both of these movies make him feel like he has sort of done military service which led to love of body ink.  

Once the realm of soldiers and bikers today we are finding that every Tom, Dick and Sherry mutilating their bodies with tats and in the book Morrissey explores the psychological underpinnings of this phenomenon. He speculates there is some cultural appropriation occurring in the growing popularity of skin art. That, in a world where a reality TV star is the President and ten-year old kids have millions of YouTube followers bored white people, who have no real purpose in life now that the malls are closing and the Gap is going under, are looking for other ways to get attention. A desperate plea where they seek  to appropriate the “badness” and “coolness” that was once the domain of soldiers and bikers with tattoos to get the validating attention they need for their pathetic lives. It’s the same sort of dumb mob mentality that led to mullets, topsiders and thinking Coldplay was cool.

Other chapters include: Your Stupid Face-The Final Frontier; Making Leg Tats Count; Prioritizing Your Skull & Crossbones Ink; Compensating For Your Blackout Drunks Tats; Cleaning Up Your Messes With More Skulls & Crossbones; What To Do With The Name Of Women Who Dumped Your Sorry Ass; Why Pet Tats Are Winners.

In addition to sharing personal images Morrissey is also looking for photos from the public of tattoo successes and failures to incorporate into a chapter titled: Look At The Shit People Do To Their Bodies. Photos will be accepted till the end of the year. Please no Unicorn renderings as Mr. Morrissey has an irrational fear of of horses with pointy objects growing out of their heads. The book is slated to cost $24.95 and will be available at retailers nationwide.          

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