Kane said, “These invasions are almost as bad as the recurring dream I had all through high school where girls I was crushing on would see my naked body and penis—and just laugh and laugh and laugh.”

Suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, Kane saw no other option than to temporarily conform to the conventions prescribed by the manual of style, and has begun inserting countless Oxford commas into his manuscript. He also has stepped up his hyphen usage, which the local author thinks is a further plauge, and demeans the reader’s intelligence. “Trust me,” he said, “the reader knows small-business-owner and small business owner is the same schmoe who owns a small business with or without the hyphens.” These changes have translated into more rest for the author, despite the recurring decades-long dream of his wife looking at his naked body and penis—and just laughing and laughing.

He also complained about established writers like Amor Towles and Jennifer Eagan, who are afforded great latitude with the language and suffer zero consequences. Kane vowed that once he had a big breakthrough work, he would be insufferable. Smiling, he said, “The day will come when those chardonnay-sipping douche nozzles at the New Yorker will vomit up superlatives about my paradigm-shifting prose, and I’m going to be a total asshole to all of them. Instead, of answering any of their questions, I’ll do the Trump weave and talk about—alligators, mukluks, and the greatness of Todd Rundgren. At literary events celebrating my work, I’ll have riders for brown M&M’s and Jim Beam chilled exactly to thirty-four degrees. Of course, if anyone dares to look me in the eye, I’ll blow them up. In a word, it will be—glorious.”

But until that time, you’ll have to endure Kane’s velvety adherence to the Chicago Manual of Style and endless Oxford commas and hyphens. For all practical purposes, that means Larry Plumb Is Still Here, due November 2024, will still be a great American novel but not likely to find its way into one of those time capsules that the Smithsonian shoots into space.   

The author apologizes in advance for this inconvenience.

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