Buffalo, NY—Hello. I’m David P. Zach. You may know me as the writer of the funny sections of this blog, but I’m much more than that: an entrepreneur, a dingo-enthusiast, a former cult leader. But today I want to talk to you about what I hold dearest to me.

D.A.M. – Dave’s Asbestos Miracle^tm

Nobody likes aging. And it’s especially hard for men. The thought that every woman out there no longer desperately desires us can be absolutely crippling to our feeling of self-worth. While I can’t help with that bulging belly or flimsy phallus, I CAN give you something that’ll make you feel eighteen again: a full head of natural, normal-looking, lustrous hair. Even your barber won’t know your secret!* Plus, D.A.M.^tm comes with a money-back-guarantee; if anyone figures out what the 411 is goin on up there, we’ll refund your payment.**

D.A.M.^tm is used by everyday joes and Hollywood megastars alike. That stud-muffin in the next cubicle? He’s wearing it. That actor cracking skulls and breaking hearts on the big screen ? He’s wearing it. Heck, even your dad is wearing it!***

Now, I’d like to take a moment to address the GOP elephant in the room: Stephen Miller. Yes, Stephen is a long-time customer, and normally D.A.M.^tm makes him look fantastic. But this past weekend, someone at the make-up desk (inside one of the FAKE NEWS networks, I might add) played a cruel joke on him. This resulted in a look that was less than optimal but also incredibly rare (see pictures right).

And on a personal note, I find Mr. P A Kane’s superficial attack on Stephen to be shameful and pathetic. Who is P A Kane to mock others? Is he Adonis? Is he Fabio? Is he Gerard Depardieu? I think not. (And do I really need to point out the obvious implication of a man who covers his head in a frilly French hat as opposed to manly American Asbestos?) This attack was as ludicrous and unhinged as the idea of, I don’t know, an obese orange clown sporting a malformed mushroom who calls people fat.

In summary, know that – like Cher said – you can indeed turn back time. And you can trust me. Because when it comes to Dave’s Asbestos Miracle, I’m not just the president; I’m a member.

*     – your barber will know.

**   – not valid in NY, PA and Fargo.

*** – your dad is not wearing it, but he is still disappointed in you.

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