Alden, NY—Jan Holbrook of the Seabrook Park Estates in Alden attended the “Gridlock Buffalo” event at Niagara Square on Monday to protest the continued shelter in place orders by Governor Cuomo, which will continue until at least until May 15th .  The shelter in place orders stem from the deadly Covid – 19 virus that has been ripping through New York State and the country.

Normally, Ms. Holbrook, who is permanently disabled from a rupture of some sort, doesn’t mind staying home just as long as she can get out to have her hair and nails done a couple times a month. She also takes a weekly ride to the rez for smokes. But with shelter in place order the salons are closed and she hasn’t been able to keep up her look. Now her old man, Big John is disappearing for hours each day in his 1978  Chevy, Monte Carlo and Ms. Holbrook fears he’s spending that time with . . . Babycakes.

 Lynn Strumpet, aka Babycakes, is a SUPERCUTS hair stylist with an appreciation for the Chevy, Monte Carlo. It is well known among the Seabrook community that Babycakes appreciation of the Monte Carlo also extends to the men who drive them as well. Prior to taking up with Ms. Holbrook, Big John had an on again, off again relationship with Babycakes until Carlos Ramariez swept her off her feet with his 2000, six-speed Dale Earnhardt, SS Intimidator replica. But that relationship has soured and she is once again in hook-up mode. In the last few weeks Babycakes has been spotted in several Seabrook residents’ Monte’s including Big John’s.

Other Babycake Tales:
Shocking Amount Of Chevy Monte Carlos In Alden Trailer Park

“Goddamn Cuomo is going to fuck this up for me,” said Ms. Holbrook. “First time in ages I’ve had a man around here with an actual job. I can’t go back to life without Netflix or the Tiger King. I need to get my hair and nails done.”

Big John has been temporarily furloughed from his job as Assistant Maintenance Manager at the Statler Towers and has been spending his new found free time tuning up and detailing his Monte Carlo and apparently Babycakes has taken notice. On several different occasions Ms. Holbrook found Babycakes out in front of their dwelling as Big John worked on his Monte. 

So far, Ms. Holbrook has reacted to the situation with restraint. She hasn’t questioned Big John’s extended absences and when Babycakes comes sniffing around, “I just lite another menthol and take a deep breath, which has been enough to keep me from going to the drawer where I keep the ball peen hammer and bashing that slutty fucking Monte loving bitches head in.”    

 Additionally, Ms.Holbrook thought attending the “Gridlock Buffalo” protest was a positive action she could take to save her relationship. When past relationships have failed she typically alleviated her misery with a box of chardonnay, and then,  “I always threw the lying cheating scumbag’s shit in the road.” But at this point in her life she’s trying to take proactive measures rather than reacting with substance and emotion.

While she is unsure what good the the protest will do she did say, “We’re adults and we know the risks of not social distancing. If this is the only thing I can do to keep Big John and the extra six-hundred a week he’s getting in unemployment, I’ll do it” 

She also expressed what fun it was to drive around Niagara Square for two hours with other patriots like Russ Thompson and Carl Palidino and . . .” yell shit about that asshole Cuomo.”     

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Buffalo NY—From his tweed jackets to his pork pie hats retired Buffalo School Teacher, Jesse Holmes  cuts a sporty metro look. But style isn’t just skinny jeans and sweater vests when it comes to Holmes, it’s a statement of who you are and what you stand for. And in Holmes’ case that statement makes one think of vegan donuts, chocolate martinis and Prince during his symbol period. So when he recently added a “man purse” to his repertoire, not only did this raise questions about where he was going with his look, but also what the hell he’s carrying around in the bag?

Men typically are limited to carrying keys, wallet, cash and a phone, all of which can be comfortably stored in pants pockets with room to spare. While Holmes agreed most men could get by with just their pants pockets, he said he wasn’t “most men. ” But, when asked what was up with the man purse he looked to the sky and said he was readying himself for the day in the future when he switches to an all skirt wardrobe. He then pointed to his legs, “Look at these calves, they should be on display 24/7—they’re gorgeous.”  

Mary Lou Holmes, his wife of thirty-seven years has no clue what he’s carrying around in the man purse, but is unconcerned. “In the old days it would have been a mash of papers waiting to be corrected, but I really don’t know . . . maybe his favorite favorite Susan Sontag or Charlotte Bronte books. All I know is one day I found a magazine open on the dining room table with a picture of Justin Timberlake rocking the man purse and the next day Jesse had one. But, we know JT needs the man purse for all those condoms he has to carry around because, you know— he’s JT. We also know Jess ain’t carrying around no condoms—maybe some water pills for when he feels bloated or tweezers for when his eyebrows get unruly, but not condoms”   

His brother, Bo Holmes said, “A man purse? I’m not surprised. Growing up he was always using all the hot water when he showered and then would stay in the bathroom for hours doing “Laverne & Shirley,” bits in front of the mirror. He’s just a real frustrating, weird guy. Last week he posted a Lisa Loeb song on social media and my wife had to hide my keys because I swear to god, I was about to go over to his house and beat the shit out of him. Lisa fucking Loeb, gimme a break.” 

Here’s more reactions and speculation regarding Holmes’ man purse from Western New Yorkers: 

Conductor of the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, JoAnn Faletta had this to say, “Who cares what’s he’s carrying around in that purse. It really works for him. He’s like a young, less handsome, Gustav Mahler.”

Local author P.A.Kane was more circumspect, “Yeah, well, I don’t know much about having a look, but I’m pretty sure that Holmes’ bag is filled with regrets. Most of us self hate in silence and try to quash our demons with bourbon or vodka, but Holmes is different. His are closer to the surface and at some point he’s going to open that bag and let them all out and there’s going to be lots of crying and more Lisa Loeb songs.”

President of the Buffalo School Board, Sharon M. Belton-Cottman laughed and said, “That’s funny, because I’ve been trying to downsize my life and have taken to carrying just a wallet. But whatever works for Mr. Homes is fine.” 

Businessman and former Repuplican nominee for New York governor, Carl Palidino said, “A man purse? I always knew that Holmes guy was a fruit.”

Despite the jokes, criticism and speculation Holmes is convinced the man purse will catch on and won’t be just for sporty, metro trendsetters like him. 

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