Buffalo, NY—The authors of Buffalo Mud are experiencing some real brain freeze trying to top the crazy shit real estate developer and House candidate for NY23, Carl Paladino says every day. Normally, the talented Mud writers can find a fun and ironic angle to bite at newsmakers. Not with Paladino though, he truly is like the crazy uncle who makes inappropriate comments about your new girlfriend’s ass at the family Fourth of July party or explains in great detail how the Jews control Washington after that second glass of Mogen David wine at Thanksgiving. 

Paladino is poised to gain the House seat and embarrass the shit out of people of Western New York after receiving the endorsement of his sister in crazy, House leader Elise Stefanic R-Saratoga County. The level of embarrassment for Western New Yorkers will likely reach Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert heights. Gohmert you might recall recently complained that you can’t even lie to Congress or the FBI anymore without the threat of going to jail.

The seat up for grabs in the August 23 primary is being vacated by Chris Jacobs. His support of very modest gun legislation in the wake of mass shootings in Uvalde, Texas and here in Buffalo, was seen as disqualifying in the conservative district and by New York Republican Chairman, Nick Langworthy, who is also running for the seat.  

Flummoxed Mud writers are pulling out all the stops. After reaching out to both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert who were just as clueless on how to deal with the lunacy of Uncle Carl, they are now trying to channel history’s greatest satirists Jonathan Swift, Voltaire and Mark Twain by way of a Ouija board—speak to us masters of the past.     

Buffalo Mud publisher P.A.Kane said, “Paladino hits for the cycle: hypocrisy, conspiracy, misogyny and racism. Plus, when you call him out for any of these things he becomes the victim. He’s like a racoon that rolls around in the garbage from a can he just tipped over spewing hate and insanity—from calling Michelle Obama a gorilla to sharing claims that mass shootings, like the one in Buffalo that left ten people dead, are false flags to help Democrats.”  

If that wasn’t enough, a radio interview from February 2021 on Buffalo’s, Fascist 930 WBEN, has recently resurfaced where he peddled the good side of Adolf Hitler, referring to him as a “doer:”
“I was thinking the other day about somebody had mentioned on the radio Adolf Hitler and how he aroused the crowds. And he would get up there screaming these epithets and these people were just — they were hypnotized by him. That’s, I guess, I guess that’s the kind of leader we need today. We need somebody inspirational. We need somebody that is a doer, has been there and done it.” 

Dispirited Mud writers said its become rather cliché these day to call someone a Nazi, but asked what you do when a viable candidate for the House of Representatives like crazy Uncle Carl sees genocidal maniac Adolf Hitler as a guy who can get things done—an Elon Musk type without the bad mustache? The group agreed they didn’t see how any of this might be ironic or funny. They did however think it was embarrassing, sad and terrifying.

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Buffalo, NY—For the tenth consecutive Buffalo City Hall was named Phallic Structure of the Year by Architectural Digest. The 1931, thirty-two story Art Deco building was designed by architects John Wade and George Dietel with friezes sculpted by Albert Stewart and executed by Rene Paul Chamberlin. The nearly century old building remains the hub of city business and is Western New York’s most recognizable symbol.

After once again thanking the judges at Architectural Digest, Mayor Byron Brown opined, “As other structures go limp with time or need artificial stimulation to remain vertical, there on the shores of Lake Erie, Buffalo City Hall stands hard, erect and ready to service this great town and the hearty, cocksure people who inhabit it. Despite the never ending challenges from the weather or a deficit of attention this great structure never shrinks from any task and is a beacon of the region’s strength and virility.

Local residents had various reactions to the honor:

William Gallagher, a Buffalo school teacher was not impressed, “This thing’s a farce. Everyone knows the biggest dick in Buffalo is Carl Paladino.”

Activist Leeza Stromet of WAPS (Women Against Phallic Structures) had this to say: “For nearly a century this giant apparatus has loomed on the Buffalo skyline terrorizing the women of the region. It is an enduring symbol of a male dominated past and needs to be torn down and replaced with a less gender specific structure. Our organization has written testimony from thousands of women who feel intimidated and threatened by this building. Some went so far to say that when they’re downtown they feel like they are being followed by a giant cock. This relic of the past needs to come down now.”

Donna Kane, an abstract artist and the wife of local author P.A. Kane, Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly had a more personal reaction, “When I’m downtown and I look up at City Hall, I must say it usually fills me with a sense of regret. It’s probably not fair to look back like this, but had I been mature enough to think through what a lifetime with such a tiny and ineffectual Irish boy might mean, I might have made some different choices.”  

The editors at Architectural Digest admitted there was some controversy surrounding this year’s poll. Overwhelmingly, the nearly three thousand architects from around the country chose Donald Trump as the Phallic Symbol of the Year. A statement released by chief editor Morris Lansing said: “While we recognize how some might conclude Donald Trump is a giant orange phallus, he does not meet the criteria to be considered for this honor. To receive consideration a structure must be composed of inanimate components such as steel and concrete, not diet Cokes, McRibs, tiresome self-importance and boundless hate.”    

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