Buffalo, NY—With his so called, early retirement, stemming from his mishandling diocesan sexual abuse cases,  newly minted, “Buffalo Bishop Emeritus,” Richard J. Malone joined former President Richard Nixon, a burned out Ford Pinto and Joey from Marilla Street, on “Cover Up Island.” While “Cover Up Island” has no physical location, it is a place known to all where greed, hubris, arrogance and stupidity reign supreme. In most cases, by simply acknowledging wrongdoing and humbly requesting forgiveness, those exiled to “Cover Up Island” could have avoided a lifetime of torment, shame and diminished reputation. 

On June 23, 1972, several days after five men were caught attempting to bug the Democratic National Committee’s offices in the Watergate office complex in Washington DC, a conversation between President Richard Nixon and chief of staff, H.R Halderman took place from 10:04-11:39am. In that conversation Halderman informed Nixon of the break-in. After exploring their options, Nixon instructed Halderman to have CIA obstruct the FBI investigation of the break-in, rather than getting out ahead of it and proclaim zero-knowledge of any criminal activity, which was true. 

This act of hubris led to two years of congressional investigations and legal wrangling. In the end, Nixon sealed his own fate by not coming clean, just like Bishop Malone, who would never admit the depth and scope of abuse by diocesan priests. 

On August 5, 1974 the Supreme Court voted 8-0 to release the tapes, where President instructs Halderman to obstruct the FBI investigation. Several days later Nixon was forced to resign. Had Nixon stood forthrightly before public and explained what had happened with the break-in and let the FBI investigation proceed he could have continued to have the Presidential joy of bombing Vietnam, hassling kids who wanted to smoke marijuana and do other dumb stuff like make Elvis Presley a drug enforcement agent (Elvis died in 1977 due to long term drug abuse), rather than spending the remainder of his days, disgraced on “Cover Up Island.” 

And the same is true with Malone. He could still be sitting on his velvet throne making people feel bad for having lustful thoughts about smart-mouthed waitresses at the Wayside or the UPS guy who drops Amazon packages on your porch—if he would have stepped up and done the right thing. 

In the late 1960’s the Ford motor company, under the direction of Lee Iacocca, fast tracked the production of the Pinto in an effort to compete with the foreign imports, who were gaining ground in the subcompact market. Iacocca’s production push, seemed to work—at first. The Pinto sold really well during the early 70’s. But then, they started to blow up when involved in a rear-end crashes. Engineers, during the development process discovered a design flaw where the fuel tank’s filler neck had a tendency to tear away and spill gas on the ground. The gas tank was also easily punctured by bolts protruding from the differential and nearby brackets. But instead of paying an additional $11 per car to fix these flaws, Ford executives, did a secret cost analysis, which was unearthed by Mother Jones reporter, Mark Dowie, and decided it was more cost effective to pay off burn victims than the $70 million to make the car safe. Well, nearly five-hundred deaths later and untold millions beyond the original $70 million, paid out in damages, the burnt out Ford Pinto is yet another victim of “Cover Up Island.”

And, again, the same is true for Malone, other Buffalo Bishops and a succession of Popes in Rome. They did a cost analysis and instead of helping victims of sexual abuse by priests, they chose to hide misconduct, disparage victims and gripped the money you gave them as if it were heaven sent. As a result, they now find themselves, both morally and economically bankrupt on “Cover Up Island.”   

Then, maybe the saddest cover-up of all, Joey from Marilla Street. In 1977, Joey was finishing up the ninth grade and despite having an awkwardly shaped head, he somehow caught the eye of the hottest girl in the freshman class—the hard and sassy, Leeza Riptide. Walking home on the last day of school, Joey called up all his courage, and asked her if she wanted to stop by his house, as his parents would be at work till 6pm. He couldn’t believe it when she turned down Marilla with him and was even more amazed when they made out all afternoon. 

All the making out left Joey with a giant hickey on his neck below his left ear. Before walking her home Leeza showed Joey how to use his mom’s cover-up to hide the hickey. He got away with it that first night, but the next morning, after phoning all his friends to tell them what had happened, he did a shitty job with the cover up. When his parents called him on it, he tried some lame excuse about getting hit with a baseball rather than coming clean about what had transpired with Leeza. He already had gotten caught in several lies that spring—he had no idea how the marijuana pipe ended up in his backpack and he also had no idea who might have watered down their 1.75 bottle of Jim Beam. Seeing a trend, Joey’s parents grounded him for two-weeks.  

Had Joey fessed up to his parents, most likely he wouldn’t have been grounded. Instead, because he chose to hide and claim ignorance, he was punished for his literal cover up. And, when his two-weeks were up, with scant markings remaining on his neck, none of his friends believed it was was a hickey and they certainly didn’t believe, whatever it was, that it came from the hot and sassy Leeza Riptide. For her part, Leeza, who had endless options, moved on in the two intervening weeks to Bobby Walters from Cantwell Street. She just rolled her eyes when Joey tried to say hello to her.

All these years later, as an exile on “Cover Up Island” Joey still sees Leeza in dreams and sometimes wakes with a head full of regret for not being honest with his parents.

Aides to Bishop Malone say he has remained quiet and contemplative in his new life as Buffalo Bishop Emeritus. They also mentioned they often hear him calling out the names Michael Whalen, Charlie, Siobhan and Faluszczak as he fitfully sleeps.     

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Buffalo,NY—Buffalo Bishop Richard J. Malone was named Narcissist of the Year by the National Association of Narcissists of the United States (NANUS). After several rounds of voting where NANUS members reflexively chose themselves for the honor, a third party arbitrator was called in and found that Bishop Malone was the consistent second choice among all voters. Voters noted Malone’s stunning disregard for others as he sought to preserve his status and position as Bishop of the Diocese of Buffalo.

Guy D. Snodengrass, a founding member of NANUS, while talking endlessly about his trophy wife’s new surgically enhanced ass and a recently purchased boat, sprinkled in a few comments about Bishop Malone. “Oh yes, Bishop Malone,” he said with a wave of his hand. “The good Bishop is truly an inspiration to all NANUS members. Time after time when was confronted with situations where he was obliged to look out for community members— some say the most vulnerable in the community—he chose to protect himself and the institution he represents. Such self-absorption is remarkable.”

Junior member Talty Kornbluff, who went on and on about his own raising NANUS status said the case of Bishop Malone will be studied and written about by coming generations of narcissists. “Just think about it,” said a gleeful Kornbluff, “his two closest aides turned over mountains of damaging evidence showing how Bishop Malone protected pedophile priests and himself, yet he continues to strut around in silken robes with that staff and miter hat as if he were some kind of medieval king. Let’s be clear, the bodies of raped and molested kids pile up like dead fish on the shore after a natural disaster, and what is Bishop Malone’s response? He brazenly says he’s been transparent and followed guidelines set forth in Dallas in 2002, after the Boston scandal and cover-up, despite audio tapes and documents that say otherwise. And now, even as he targets those who exposed him, he tries to present himself as the victim. He’s such an inspiration to NANUS members and narcissists everywhere.”

News of Bishop Malone being honored as Narcissist of the Year has produced mix reactions throughout Western New York:

 Stefan Mychajliw (Erie County Comptroller), “I got ripped off, I should have won that. Wait, what’s a narcissist? It’s a guy with sleep issues who owns liberals, right?”

Dom Wakahayee (Managing Editor- WNY Pacifists ), “Look, I could excoriate Malone and Catholics till my tongue and teeth turn to dust, but where would that get us? Instead, whenever the question comes up, I just tell those Catholics to throw out their Bible and listen to John Prine.”

P.A.Kane (Local Author), Yeah, Jesus died on the cross so old white men could live in mansions and wear stupid pointy hats while their acolyte’s prey on and destroy innocent children. Disgusting.”

Bishop Malone will be presented the gold embossed mirror at a ceremony later this month.

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Buffalo, NY—In light of recent criticism of the Diocese of Buffalo and Bishop Malone for creating, yet another, pointless, ineffectual and opaque task force to address crimes of sexual abuse committed by parish priests, the church has announced a new “Fun Task Force” to improve its sagging image.

The “Fun Task Force,” will look at the disappearance of D.B. Cooper, it will ask Where Did Our Love Go and  then delve into the riddle of Who Let The Dogs Out.   

D.B. Cooper, you’ll recall was an unidentified man who hijacked a Boeing 727 in 1971. He  extorted $200K in ransom money and then parachuted into the mist, never to be heard from again. The incident continues to inspire modern culture and a bunch of dumb TV shows on the USA Network. And, whether you’re a fan of Diana Ross and the Supremes or The J. Geils Band most everyone at some point or another has been a loser at love and asks: Where Did Our Love Go? These days the Diocese might be asking a parallel question—where did all our damn parishioners go? The “Fun Task Force, will also try and come up with an answer posed by the funk group The Baha Men in their 2000 hit, Who Let The Dogs Out.  Fun . . . WOW!

  

It is no secret “The Fun Task Force” is intended to be a distraction from the latest task force created by Bishop Malone and the Diocese that supposedly will look at procedures regarding allegations of clerical misconduct involving adults, which even the dullest knife in the drawer  knows is just another ruse—more lipstick on a pig. In the end, despite including members of the laity and perhaps an elected official or two (maybe NYS Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan is available) nothing will change. Yes, there will be a call for prayers and some minor operational changes made, but once again, the church will skip away from its responsibility like a kid skips home on the first day of summer vacation—la-ti-da . . . la-ti-da—without doing anything.

Western New York Catholics, amidst a growing number of calls for Bishop Malone to step down, should therefore expect this latest investigation to be slow walked and to eventually fade away like all the others, while the church clings to its wealth and standing. However, for victims, there will be no closure, compensation or explanation. Nor will issues of trust, inadequacy and loss of opportunity be addressed.  For victims, there will just be a continuation of pain and injustice. 

As for the “Fun Task Force,” which is supposed to help the Diocese with its sagging  image—The Baha Men . . . really? That’s the best you could do?   

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