Washington D.C.—In line with all the other disappointments of 2020, this week Miles Taylor, a former Chief of Staff at the Department of Homeland Security, keeping an election year promise, underwhelmed the nation by revealing he was “Anonymous.” In 2018, a so-called “senior official” going by the pseudonym “Anonymous,” wrote a New York Times Op-Ed piece assuring a worried nation there were forces within the Trump administration working to quell the President’s worst, most erratic impulses and his craziest policies. 

Speculation of “Anonymous’” identity at the time centered on John Kelly, Kellyanne Conway, even Secretary of Defense, Jim Mattis. But it turned out to be Taylor, who is commonly mistaken for that guy who sells both used cars and timeshares out of his garage.

Learning that Taylor was “Anonymous,” former Missouri Senator and MSNBC commentator, Claire McCaskill said she hasn’t been this disappointed since Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vaults and found them empty. McCaskill, a Democrat said “I appreciate that Taylor has been a vocal opponent of the President since leaving Homeland Security, it’s just disappointing that it’s him, like it was was disappointing reading eight-hundred fucking pages of “Breaking Dawn,” and there’s no war between the Cullens and the Volutri. Worse still Edward and Bella are going to alternate between having sex and not having sex. To quote Joe Biden, “C’mon.”

Even more incredulous was Trump himself. “Miles Taylor, that fucking guy is “Anonymous?” the President asked. After a moment of disbelief, the President regained his focus and said, “Excuse me, but everybody knew he was a Democrat and a loser. He’s treated me very badly. When we discussed locking those future rapists in cages down at the border he always offered alternatives. He talked about being humane. He was afraid to be strong. He was afraid to be law and order. Sad.”

Upon hearing the news that Taylor was “Anonymous” staffers at Homeland Security laughed and said he was about as likely to stop Trump as Sergeant Shultz from Hogan’s Heroes was to stop Hitler from invading Poland. Another staffer said it would be like Pansy Parkinson turning against Lord Voldemort’s and stopping his policy initiatives. It never was going to happen

Taylor’s book, “A Warning” is available at Amazon under the pseudonym “Anonymous.” He also is making a slew of media appearances this week. Check you local listings. 

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