“The McMumford Family of East Aurora want Aunt Hazel to know that they miss her and want her to come back home.”

That was the sole line of last night’s press release as given to WGRZ, and just the latest twist to come out of East Aurora since this local mystery has turned into a national scandal. To recap: On April 6, 2020, Hazel P McMumford went out in the late morning to hike to Knox Farms. Though she didn’t return by dusk, the family initially wasn’t worried.

“She had plenty of water and jerky. She’d been following the stories of those gals that got lost hiking out west,” said her common-law husband Earl, “and while some would say Hazel is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, she’s good about being prepared. But when three-days done come by and gone, we started worrying.”

Although they would not realize it for months, Aunt Hazel had stumbled onto a cross country bus that was taking some recovering lobotomy patients to Disneyworld. She would end up getting off that bus during a stop in Atlanta and walking straight into the backstage area of an Alex Jones Rally. An hour later, after giving a rambling & incoherent speech to a rapt crowd, a star was born. Prominent local Republican Officials immediately recognized her regional appeal, and in a move straight out of the Manchurian Candidate they gave her a new identity – Marjorie Taylor Greene. They outfitted her with a dumbass cowboy hat and drove her down to the 14^th District to became a candidate for Congress.

Fast-forward eight months, and the poor McMumford family is fielding questions about Jewish Space Lasers and public hangings. “It’s not her fault,” says nephew Billy McMumford. “She ain’t have her meds for almost a year now. What worries me is they been givin her real weapons to pose with for all those campaign pictures. Up here we keep her hands filled with water guns, ears of corn and snow balls.”

As to the larger issue of what this says about society, government, mental health, and the north-south Greyhound bus route, McMumford family patriarch Eugene Q McMumford III is philosophic: “I’ve always reckoned that a intellectually challenged person from East Aurora is still smarter than most folks out there in the great wide world. Guess’en this just proves me right.”

By Dave P. Zach– reader, writer, dog walker and Kanye fixer.

The post Local Family Pleads With Georgia To Return Their Aunt Hazel appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Buffalo, NY—I have always taken the BUFFO-13 Herpes Virus seriously.

Let’s just get that straight right off the bat. As it burned through the city’s bars and gyms and bridge clubs, I was at the forefront of those crying out the warning. Like a modern day Paul Revere, galloping across the internet proclaiming “The Herpes is coming! The Herpes is coming!” There I was, like a broken record: “Wash your hands. Stay six feet from people. Don’t scratch down there.” But no one listened.

So, here we are. Buffalo’s night life has gone dark, your favorite pub is shuttered, and everyone is stuck at home with (dear god) their family. To quote Todd Rundgren, “Nobody on the road; nobody on the beach.” And they say it might last until August. Time to take stock:

1 – DON’T GIVE INTO PANIC. This too will pass, like the Syracuse Syphilis outbreak of ’53 or that case of crabs my neighbor got last spring.

2 – LEARN FROM OTHERS. Georgia closed down its border with Florida.  The Chippendales have replaced their body oil with Purell. Elvis Costello has locked himself into a panic room for the next five years. These are all solid ideas.

3 – STOP HOARDING. You think I don’t need talcum powder too? Well?? Believe me I would LOVE some talcum powder right now but some jagoff bought it all and is trying to sell it by the tablespoon on Craigslist…

4 – IGNORE THE LIES. Ibuprofen will not make the burning go away. Alex Jones’ silver toothpaste is just mayonnaise with glitter. Sacrificing a goat at midnight on the spring equinox only works for chlamydia. Your brother’s Netflix password isn’t JumboJ!mMagnum99.

5 – CALL A SPADE A SPADE. I have gotten no end of grief for referring this as the BUFFO-13 Virus (or alternatively the “Itch from Orchard Park” or “Kane’s Bane”). Since when are we so against facts? This plague did not come down from those commies in Montreal. It did not cross over from the Philly Phanatic. We all know this virus came from one beret-clad golfer who gorged on spoiled crab legs after shooting a 98 at Holland Hills.

Remember folks: we’re all in this together. And it won’t last forever. So hold tight, throw on some Asia, and resist the itch.

By David P. Zach– Senior Mud Contributor and Kanye West fixer.

The post The Other Virus: BUFFO- 13 Herpes appeared first on buffalomud.com.