Niagara Falls, NY—Bobby Beancobb was at Sunglass Hut in the Fashion Outlet Mall in Niagara Falls a couple of weekends ago trying on a pair of aviators when he received a random text from someone explaining they were at the hospital because “Jake set his butthole on fire again.”
He quickly responded telling whoever sent the text that it was a wrong number but to PLEASE keep him updated. Over the next few days Beancobb sent numerous follow up texts regarding the conflagration in Jake’s butthole, but nobody responded. This silence led the curious Beancobb to experiment with how one might set the body’s backdoor ablaze.
First thing he tried was the old gas to flame trick. He drank a sixer of Genny Cream Ales, ate a couple of slime dogs and a giant bean burrito from Mighty Taco slathered in Frank’s Hot Sauce . . . and then waited. When he was righteously gassy he laid on his back with his boxers down around his ankles and took a long stem barbecue lighter, spread his legs apart and blew gas into the lighter flame as if he was Dizzy Gillespie blowing out “Bang Bang,” in a New York jazz joint. The ensuing flash was impressive but it moved in a direction away from his fleshy mud blower, so it was unlikely that Jake had set his butthole on fire with this method.
His next experiment was with a bundle of birthday candles. To accomplish this he again reached between his legs and slowly inserted the bundle into his Kardashian money maker, making sure he went far enough to get a nice tight fit. Giggling at this new sensation Beancobb then carefully lit the candles with the long stem lighter and laid down on his stomach.
The candles quickly started to melt, sending soothing little droplets that congealed into a warm waxy moat around his brown eyed exit door. It was such a pleasant feeling he drifted off and soon was dreaming about welcoming invaders into that little squinty blind brown eye thinking: “This is nice, why haven’t I done this before?” But he woke up when the flames burned his ass cheeks. He concluded this wasn’t what landed Jake in the hospital either, because the waxy little moat created a barrier between the flame and his butthole.
Finally, he consulted the Google machine and found the likely culprit to Jake’s charred sinkhole: bottle rockets. He called around and a friend had a stash that he was building for this year’s July 4th celebration. He borrowed a few and from the mouth of his garage shot a few of those babies from his asshole, adding a little excitement to the gray Niagara Falls night. In the process he scorched the pliant tissues around his corn pocket, but was able to treat the burns with a little aloe vera and didn’t need a hospital visit like Jake. Still, he was really impressed that Jake had likely engaged in this bottle rocket trick enough to send him to the hospital multiple times.
And while the bottle rockets didn’t require a trip to the hospital for Beancobb, other butthole experiments in the ensuing weeks with Christmas lights and his cat Roscoe’s toys did land in the emergency room for treatment.
