Orchard Park, NY—Lloyd Crackleknob, a Bills season ticket holder since the Kay Stephenson era has become disillusioned with the commitment of fans in his section. Over the years Crackleknob has gone from the upper deck, to the lower bowl to Section 111 at the fifty-yard line, thirty-five rows up from the field. Though some of the best seats in the house to cheer the Bills on to victory, he feels Mafia members in the section are spoiled and complacent and not doing their part to carry the Bills to victory.
“One-eleven has become all White Claws and Grey Poupon,” he said. “Bunch of rich people going through the motions. This past weekend when Nyheim Hines ran back the opening kickoff the energy was at Jeb Bush levels. The call and response: Hey-ayyyyyy-ayyyyyy-ayy to the Shout song was a joke. They take this team for granted like Harvey Johnson, Hank Bullough and Doug Marrone never existed. Well, they did exist and they crushed all of our souls.”
Crackleknob reminisced about better times when many of them would show up at 7am, start a fire, have some bacon, eggs and shots of Patron. Then, they’d go down to the Hammer Lot and cheer on the toothless table breakers and douse up Pinto Ron with regular American ketchup and mustard. After that it was into the game, but not before knocking a few back at the Crown Royal truck to help them tap into their Mafia crazy.
Gronk Steps Away From Football Saying: “I’m Tired Of Owning The Bills”
“Now there’s not a single person with a D-FENSE sign in our section,” he said “The clapping and booing of the refs is so tepid you’d think we were at a fucking equestrian event. Nobody paints their faces and I’m the only one who takes his shirt off anymore— and I have hideous man boobs.”
Crackleknob said he’s tried to get the section going numerous times throughout the season waving his arms up and down (he almost took his eye out with his left breasticle doing this), but to no avail. And since it’s hard to take a shirtless guy with man boobs in thirty degree weather at a sporting event seriously, he plans on sending out some strongly worded emails ahead of their annual offseason schedule release party.
“I’m going to let everyone know their gameday commitment to the team and organization is unacceptable. That in recent years we’ve become complacent and soft and we let guys like Captain Dave , Elvis, the Chefs and all the degenerates in the endzone carry us. I’m going to challenge their fandom personally. And I’m not above hitting below the belt. I’ll tell them if they don’t want to step it up they should become fucking Dolphin fans and go down to Hard Rock Stadium in Miami and drink margaritas with J-Lo, Fregy and Darius Rucker—wtf is a Darius Rucker anyway?”
Crackleknob realizes he might lose friends by calling them out, but it’s a chance he’s willing to take—”for football, for the city of Buffalo, for the Bills.”