Buffalo, N.Y.—Twenty-nine year old Astrophysicist and Williamsville native, Dr. Nicholas Knocklinger has decided to take a temporary leave from NASA, where he heads up a team interpreting images from the James Webb Space Telescope to follow the Buffalo Bills through their 2022 NFL season. Speaking from his parents home Klondike said, “The universe is 10.7 billion years old and isn’t going anywhere, but Josh Allen and the Bills might never be this good again and I’m going to be here for all of it.”
One of the most lasting traumas for Knocklinger and all Bills fans is the 1999 AFC divisional playoff loss to the Tennessee Titans. Known as “Homerun Throwback” Bills fans will recall that after taking a 16-15 lead with sixteen-seconds left, Frank Wycheck threw a lateral pass on the ensuing kickoff to Kevin Dyson, who ran it back for a touchdown, sealing the win for the Titans. This was the culmination of a decade of near misses and would thrust the Bills into nearly two-decades of football oblivion.
Though only six years old at the time Knocklinger remembers how crushed his football crazy dad was at the time of the Titans loss. “My old man was a Calculus professor at UB and after losing like that he went into a real funk. Unlike other dads who might kick the dog and indulge in fifty extra cream ales he would go out to the garage and spend hours and hours writing out and solving equations on a white board.”
Getting routed by Brady and the Pats and going 6-10 or 5-11 for the next two decades only added to the misery. Eventually, the futility of Greg Williams, Dick Jauron and Chan Galley prompted Knocklinger to follow his dad out to the garage and led to his career as an Astrophysicist. “So those shitty Bills teams through the drought years indirectly helped me get to NASA where I unravel the mysteries of the universe,” he said.
But unlike those hopeless drought teams Knocklinger believes Beane and McDermott have put together a squad that is the class of the NFL and he wants to be here for all of it. “The friggen universe can wait, he said. I’m going to eat wings, go to games, break tables and troll silly Dolphin fans on Twitter—you can’t win in the NFL with a five-foot quarterback who has a glass jaw like Tua. I’m also watching Bills clips on YouTube all day long with my Dad, which has been really special.”
The only equation on the whiteboard in the Knocklinger garage these days is:
JA + Bills = SB.
Below the equation it also says:
FUCK THE PATRIOTS…