Buffalo, NY—After two-years of being overrun with Covid related illnesses, area hospitals rejoiced at the return of St Patrick’s Day parades and treating the unique maladies of Irish revelers. This past weekend hospital staff saw patients suffering from alcohol poisoning, broken jaws and a rash of men who “accidently” slipped and somehow ended up with shillelaghs lodged in their asses.
Nadine O’Hanrahan, a RN at Mercy Hospital said it was a nice change to treat people with good old alcohol poisoning as opposed to more serious illnesses. Hooking up those IV’s and cleaning up drunken fools who pissed or shit themselves after three days of Guinness and Jameson’s abuse was the most fun staff has had since Covid started two-years ago.
“It was also really enjoyable to watch these guys come out of their stupors, look at their phones and try to piece together their weekend,” said O’Hanrahan. “Unfortunately, I did come across one inconsolable young woman who, when she did her reassembling, realized she had slept with this guy named Sean Brown—again. She cried and cried saying that she fucking hated Brownie, despite always sleeping with him whenever she got wasted. There was just something she couldn’t resist about his crooked teeth and how proud he was to be chronically unemployed. She said the only way to stop this endless self-loathing was to get knocked up by Brownie and have his dumb fucking kid—mangled teeth and all.”
Dr. Kilgore Finnegan, a Buffalo General Emergency Room physician said he had a real jump in his step as a result of wiring up thirteen broken jaws this past weekend from the continuous post parade bar brawls. The atmosphere in the ER according to Finnegan after a couple years without the parades and Covid was light hearted and celebratory. “We had some corn beef sandwiches, Flogging Molly on the Bluetooth and all these drunken losers with black eyes and broken jaws filling the ER after a great weekend of good old Irish debauchery.” It was just tremendous to get back to doing this kind of medicine with these kinds of people.”
“Oh boy, was this a fun weekend,” said Dr. Zeena McLuren an Emergency Room physician at Mt. St. Mary’s Hospital in Niagara Falls. “We had several men come in after their game of hide the shillelagh went terribly wrong, if you know what I mean.” Dr. McLuren explained that removing an old Irish love stick stuck in a man’s ass was a first year med school stuff. But the stories of how they “accidently” got there were just great. “Two men said they tripped and fell into the shillelaghs after saying their prayers with their mother’s. Another man told me he was practicing his Ceili dance steps with friends when he slipped onto the long pronged stick.” Smiling, she went on, “He suddenly got very quiet when I asked him why he was practicing his steps in green chaps over a garter belt and lace stockings. I love these Irish mutants.”
The Old Neighborhood Valley Parade and the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade returned to Buffalo this past weekend after a two year absence due to Covid concerns.