Buffalo, NY—Having nothing meaningful to do with their lives since The Gap has essentially been Amazoned out of business and with the new iPhone13 is still a couple of months away from release twenty-four lame white high school and college age students staged the longest and most pointless basketball game in history at Nardin Academy last week.
Game organizer Nick Atnite of Snyder explained that he and some friends came up with the idea sitting on his parents deck eating pizza bites. The lame white kids broke into small brainstorming groups trying to find a way to save a summer that was rapidly evaporating. They rejected the idea of getting jobs or doing something meaningful like volunteering or helping low income people get vaccinated against Covid19 and instead chose to stage this pointless basketball game.
Despite the insipid nature of the event Atnite and friends did set a new Guinness World Record with the game clocking in at 120 hours, one minute and seven seconds or just over five days. They were cheered on much of the time by other empty white people who had nothing better to do than sit in a gym for days on end yelling encouragement and telling the participants that they’re all special.
The event raised $21K for mental health awareness and treatment. Several of the white dad’s in attendance were shocked to learn that in a mental health setting you could rant about the media, black lives matter and how Sleepy Joe stole the election without the counselor pushing back with facts and statistics like those liberal assholes on Facebook. The counselor would just ask some dumb questions about how you feel or inquire about where all this was coming from, which would open the door to more ranting with no push back.
At the end of the marathon game where nobody kept score everyone was declared a winner. Of course much of the $21K raised was spent on an after party where all twenty-four players received participation trophies and told long stories about muscling through the inevitable sore feet and sleepiness. Others spoke of the psychological toughness it took overcoming not having their mom’s there to ask them if they needed anything every fifteen minutes.
Atnite said he was ecstatic he and his friends got the Guinness record and now were going to assemble on his deck again with more pizza bites and maybe tackle something bigger. Something huge like a hackysack or field hockey record.