Washington, D.C.—As Joe Biden ushers in a more traditional presidency progressive supporters are breathing a sigh of relief. These same progressive supporters however, also find themselves wondering what Applebee’s Kayleigh McEnany is bartending at and where Stephen Miller is holding his KKK meetings. And, some have even come forward and admitted they’re kind of missing Trump and his bullshit.
As horrible, corrupt and incompetent as Trump was as president there was never that proverbial moment to breathe a sigh of relief. From the moment he came down the escalator and said Mexicans were rapist, to saying he won the popular vote in 2016, to pushing Clorox and Ultraviolet light as Covid therapies, to being a very stable genius it was a shit show of epic proportions that kept friend and foe alike waiting for the next crazy tweet or incoherent statement.
Lanie Barklvr, an environmental activist from Riverside said, “I’ve disliked Trump from the moment I heard him speak back in the 80’s and I’ve deplored every moment of his presidency, but now that I don’t have his tweets to piss me off every day I kind of miss it. I mean, here’s a guy who out of nowhere proposes things like buying Greenland. Who says crazy shit like that besides Trump? I miss that bullshit—sorry.”
Shaking his head Larry Fortuna, a family law attorney from Clarence still can’t fathom the composition of an ego like Trump’s. “This guy is like: “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.” And after making such a claim he’ll pop off about windmills causing cancer or he’ll call Apple CEO Tim Cook, Tim Apple and then deny he ever said it. I swear, Trump is like an evil Homer Simpson with $70K a year on hair and makeup habit. I hate say it, but without all the dumb Trump shit the winter and this never ending pandemic somehow seem even longer. God help me, I can’t believe I just said that. I need a bourbon.”
“Okay, okay—I miss the chaos,” said Phoebe Nostrums, a social worker from University Heights. “I deal with some really troubled people in really troubled situations. Mental illness, drug addiction, sexual abuse, you name it. Sometimes it can really wear you down. One of my coping mechanisms was to read Trump’s twitter feed every morning to make sense of the world. I mean, if the President of the United States can say climate change is a Chinese hoax or back that Q’Annon supporter Marjorie Taylor Green, then my crazy world doesn’t seem so crazy and I can get through another day of helping my clients. With Trump’s twitter feed gone I’ve had to settle for Ted Cruz’s or that asshole Rand Paul’s. It’s just not the same. So yeah, I’m missing Trump.”
This week progressives missing Trump got a little of the magic back when the former president went off on Mitch McConnell after he recently excoriated him for his role in the Capitol uprising on January 6th. Said Trump:
“In ‘Mitch’s Senate,’ over the last two election cycles, I single-handedly saved at least 12 Senate seats, more than eight in the 2020 cycle alone—and then came the Georgia disaster, where we should have won both U.S. Senate seats, but McConnell matched the Democrat offer of $2,000 stimulus checks with $600...
Barklvr, Fortuna and Nostrums said they had tingles reading this craziness from Trump.