Local Family Pleads With Georgia To Return Their Aunt Hazel

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“The McMumford Family of East Aurora want Aunt Hazel to know that they miss her and want her to come back home.”

That was the sole line of last night’s press release as given to WGRZ, and just the latest twist to come out of East Aurora since this local mystery has turned into a national scandal. To recap: On April 6, 2020, Hazel P McMumford went out in the late morning to hike to Knox Farms. Though she didn’t return by dusk, the family initially wasn’t worried.

“She had plenty of water and jerky. She’d been following the stories of those gals that got lost hiking out west,” said her common-law husband Earl, “and while some would say Hazel is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, she’s good about being prepared. But when three-days done come by and gone, we started worrying.”

Although they would not realize it for months, Aunt Hazel had stumbled onto a cross country bus that was taking some recovering lobotomy patients to Disneyworld. She would end up getting off that bus during a stop in Atlanta and walking straight into the backstage area of an Alex Jones Rally. An hour later, after giving a rambling & incoherent speech to a rapt crowd, a star was born. Prominent local Republican Officials immediately recognized her regional appeal, and in a move straight out of the Manchurian Candidate they gave her a new identity – Marjorie Taylor Greene. They outfitted her with a dumbass cowboy hat and drove her down to the 14th District to became a candidate for Congress.

Fast-forward eight months, and the poor McMumford family is fielding questions about Jewish Space Lasers and public hangings. “It’s not her fault,” says nephew Billy McMumford. “She ain’t have her meds for almost a year now. What worries me is they been givin her real weapons to pose with for all those campaign pictures. Up here we keep her hands filled with water guns, ears of corn and snow balls.”

As to the larger issue of what this says about society, government, mental health, and the north-south Greyhound bus route, McMumford family patriarch Eugene Q McMumford III is philosophic: “I’ve always reckoned that a intellectually challenged person from East Aurora is still smarter than most folks out there in the great wide world. Guess’en this just proves me right.”

By Dave P. Zach– reader, writer, dog walker and Kanye fixer.

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