Washington D.C.—In the aftermath of last week’s election loss to Joe Biden the Trump campaign set up a hotline where people can call and report election irregularities and fraud. “Help stop voter suppression, irregularities and fraud,” the campaign said in social media posts promoting the hotline. “Tell us what you are seeing.”
This prompted a call from a woman in Bentonville, Arkansas, named Miss Grace who reported suspicious activity being carried out by a woman named Luanne Fitzgerald. According to Miss Grace, “Everybody in Bentonville calls Fitzgerald, Fitzy and everybody knows she’s just plain bad.” Miss Grace went on to explain that in her teens Fitzy never wore a bra and talked endlessly about the Jefferson Airplane. Also, in ‘72 Fitzy went door to door canvassing for George McGovern. “Yes, that George McGovern.” After that Fitzy left Bentonville for fifty years and only came back recently to take care of her sick momma . . .”and I just know she still ain’t any good,” Miss Grace cried. “She drives around in a Prius and wears those Ruth Bader Ginsburg t-shirts like it was the 21st century or something. Someone needs to look into her. Fitzy must be stopped.”
Of course, many of the calls were not as earnest as Miss Grace’s. There were lots of calls asking if the refrigerator in the office was still running. People also asked if they had Prince Albert in a can. A group of teenage boys called every five minutes to order plain cheese pizza baked till it was that golden shade of Trump orange.
A woman named Vivian dialed into the hotline and gave an extended evaluation of the “hotness” of top Trump administration officials. Stephen Miller was rated a “zero” as was Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos. Press Secretary, Kaleigh McEnany was rated a “one” because she’s a few years younger than those ratty chairs you garbage picked, but never got around to refinishing. William Barr, Mike Pompeo and Wilbur Ross received a rating of “three,” because it seemed very likely you could get them to pass out after a few drinks and steal their wallets.
A very mean call came from the woman who regularly dials you up to warn you that “your vehicle’s extended warranty is about to expire.” She taunted hotline workers saying that, “If you believe Trump has a chance in hell overturning a couple of hundred thousand votes, then you’re probably dumb enough to believe vehicle’s warranty bullshit. Call us you dumb fuckers.”
There were also calls from various strip clubs looking for Rudy Giuliani to pay his outstanding tabs. There were calls from people laughing uproariously that sounded eerily like discarded Attorney General, Jeff Sessions and Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson along with an angry message from Donald Trump Jr’s ex-wife, Vanessa, wanting to know where “ my fucking child support payments are?”
Responding to all the negative press Eric Trump had this to say, “The DNC is spamming our voter fraud hotline to bog down the thousands of complaints we are receiving!” he said in a tweet last Friday. “Wonder what they have to hide.”
So far, the Trump campaign has been unsuccessful getting courts in various states to investigate their allegations of voter fraud, as evidence is required and they have none.