Local Woman Wants To Date Someone Not Obsessed With Josh Allen

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Josh Allen

Amherst, New York—Andrea Ogletree, a twenty-five year old graduate student at the University of Buffalo recently started dating again after ending a long term relationship with her boyfriend Andre. The couple broke up partially because Andre always seemed to have this weird garlic scent about him and partially because he would never shut up the Bills or Josh Allen. The newly available MBA student didn’t quite know what to expect of dating during Covid 19, but was very disappointed to find that everyone she met was also obsessed with Josh Allen.

A nominal football fan growing up, Ogletree said her family, especially her dad, was always excited for the start of the season, but would soon give up on the year as playoff hopes faded. “They sucked for a really long time and I remember my dad losing his shit every year and vowing to never watch again.” But now, as the Bills have made the playoffs the last two of three years everybody is abuzz, including her dad, with the team and Josh Allen.

Andrea Ogletree

Ogletree understands the excitement because of the long playoff drought and because there’s not much to do around here, but said, “Still, this Josh Allen stuff is messed up.”

She went on to explain that her first date was a social distanced cup of coffee with a cute assistant manager at her local Delta Sonic. It went pretty well so they both decided to get tested for Covid and then went on a real date, which turned out to be a disaster. “Early on I made it pretty clear that I would be up for a little somethin, somethin,” Ogletree said. “But all he wanted to talk about was why Allen was a better pick than Baker Mayfield, Sam Darnold and that chump Josh Rosen. And how, because he was 6’5” 240lbs he was most likely to be more durable than the Ravens star quarterback, Lamar Jackson, who’s 6’2” 212lbs. Safe to say—the offer for somethin, somethin was rescinded.”  

With this failure Ogletree thought she would go nerdy and made a play for the teaching assistant from her economics class. She had coffee with him at the kiosk outside of their class the day after the 27-17 win  over the Jets. But the nerdy econ TA , after a brief exchange of demographic information, also devolved into talking about Josh Allen’s improved footwork and decision making and the fact that he hit seventy-two fucking percent of his passes.

She sat for a moment sipping her coffee after dismissing her latest Josh Allen obsessed dud, when the cute kiosk girl, who was wiping down tables said, “Bad date?” She responded with the universal, “you have no idea,” eye roll, which all women implicitly understand and the cute kiosk girl smiled at her. This prompted Ogletree to think, maybe the way to escape this Josh Allen thing was to be with a girl. She was always curious and the kiosk girl seemed to give her a flirty smile. So, Ogletree smiled back and asked her name. And, the cute kiosk girl responded, “My name is Cory. Did you see the game yesterday? Wasn’t Josh Allen great?”

This prompted an explosion from Ogletree, “Isn’t there anyone in goddamn Western New York who wants to talk about Trump, the wild fires and the possibly of the world fucking ending instead of Josh fucking Allen?”

She then stormed away.

The Bills and Josh Allen, play the Dolphins this Sunday at 1pm in Miami.  

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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