Erie, Pa.—The headline made me sick to my stomach—especially with a Republican heading the goverment: “US Budget Deficit Shatters Record. “ How had we taken our eye off the ball? How had we become so lax? I flashed back in my mind to the heady days of 2010 when we Tea Party soldiers of FRANP (Financially Responsible Alphamales of Northeastern Pennsylvania) dropped truth like bombs about the Government’s ballooning debt at one epic protest after another.
It was time to get the band back together. I turned on the Bag Signal, jumped into my Chevy, and headed out to round up my fellow minutemen in the war against deficits . . . but . . . the minutemen had other shit to do now.
1 – Jimbo “Big Wing” Johnson. Jimbo was the most dedicated of us all; he lived to beat back over-spending. I found him in his driveway, packing up his Pontiac Grand Prix, wearing a snug “Masks are Only for Welders & Pussies” t-shirt.
“Jimbo!” I cried out. “The national debt is skyrocketing! They’re mortgaging our children’s future! We need to make a stand!”
“Oh hey, Dave . . . sorry but I’m kinda tied up with the Anti-Mask movement. Going to a rally in Buffalo right now – you wanna come?”
“But Jimbo! We made a blood oath to fight reckless spending! And if we don’t stick to it now, it’ll look like back then we were just . . . you know.”
“Sorry Dave, besides I’m pretty sure Trump got China to forgive it all.”
I looked on aghast as he drove off.
2 – Billy “Wildman” Bogloski. Billy was stapling his oversized rebel flag to his home’s vinyl siding, a sight that warmed my heart.
“Billy! The spending in Washington is out of control! Are you with me?!”
“Dave! Long time no see! I’m about to drive to Buffalo for an All-Lives-Matter cookout/gun show. You in?”
“Billy, did you not hear me?? The National Debt is up to TWENTY-SIX trillion dollars!!
“Cause of this covid nonsense, right? Damn Koreans.”
“No Billy, it’s been going up non-stop. And if we suddenly don’t care about that, then it will appear that back in 2010 we really angry about . . . you know.”
“Pretty sure the tax cuts are gonna generate more revenue to take care of it. Anyhow, gotta pick your battles, right D-man?”
I walked away, crushed.
3 – Arthur “The Professor” Doocey. I found Artie holding court at the local tavern. “And that” he was saying with a glint in an eye “is why the long-form birth certificate is so crucial.”
I strode up to him, and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Artie, I come to you in our hour of need. Both the debt and deficits have continued to soar for the last four years. We need to stand up and shout it from the rooftops! Are you with me?”
“Gee, D-man, I’m kinda busy at the moment. We’re heading to Buffalo in a couple hours, trying to get a statue erected of Calvin Candie.”
“ ‘Calvin Candie’?”
“You know, the tragic hero from D’Jango Unchained?”
“Ah. And, why is everyone going to Buffalo?”
“We’re meeting up later at the Hooters by the Falls…”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and lowered my voice. “Artie, I don’t think any of you realize how this looks. If we were hell-bent on fiscal responsibility in 2010, but we don’t give a rat’s ass about it now, it’s going to APPEAR that back then we weren’t REALLY angry about the debt, we were just pissed because the president was . . . you know . . .”
Artie’s eyes were blank. And at that moment, I felt more defeated than Sarah Palin’s marriage.
I returned home, and sat in the dark, and pondered the future. I wanted to give up, but I knew that’s not what patriots do. So I chalked up the day to experience, opened a bag of Aldi brand Funyuns (.49 cents cheaper) and tuned in to the most balanced, honorable man I knew: Tucker Carlson.
By: David P. Zach