Washington D.C.—This past week President Trump retweeted a post from game show host Chuck Woolery saying the media, the Democrats and the CDC are lying about Covid 19 to block his reelection bid. Later in the week, the Love Connection host ironically announced his son had been diagnosed with Covid 19. After a brief statement expressing solidarity with those suffering from the disease Woolery deleted his Twitter account.
Faced with the looming crisis of reopening schools safely in the fall, as a result of Covid 19, President Trump turned to another former TV star for help, Gabriel Kaplan. Kaplan was the wisecracking teacher on the ABC comedy, Welcome Back, Kotter from 1975-79. In the series Kaplan, as Mr. Kotter taught a group of remedial students known as the “Sweathogs,” at a Brooklyn high school.
Trump said, “Many many people thought the “Sweathogs,” were hopeless, but Kotter came back to James Buchanan High and did a terrific job, maybe the best job ever, with them. They had numbers no one has seen before or since. And Vinnie Barbarino after being in Kotter’s class for a couple of years went on to play Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever and Danny Zuko in Grease, which are perhaps the biggest roles ever.”
PBS’s Yamiche Alcindor pointed out to the President that Kotter was a fictional character in a TV show and the “Sweathogs,” made zero progress and sucked from beginning to end of the series. She then asked how consulting a person who played a teacher on TV over forty years ago was going to help with the reopening issue to which Trump responded, “That’s a nasty nasty question and you’re a nasty woman who is fake news. And I wouldn’t say getting some of the biggest roles ever or the toughest roles, remember Pulp Fiction, is nothing. Believe me, no one except maybe Walter White, who didn’t return my calls, knows more about education than me. It will be the best and really, the safest, school reopening ever. Believe me.”
For his part Kaplan said he is meeting with vice-principal Woodman, Freddy, Epstein and Horshack—Barbarino was unavailable due to his continual pursuit of the biggest roles ever. Together they are brainstorming ideas to safely return American children to school this fall. So far, they have come up with the “Horshack Holler,’ which is an app simulating Horshack’s signature “ooh ooh” bit to warn students when they have broken social distancing space guidelines. The “Horshack Holler” will be available only in suburban school districts, where privileged white kids love to narc and bully each other. Their parents also vote Republican. All ideas for inner city schools have been rejected, since students of color generally populate these schools and their parents vote for Democrats.
Additionally, President Trump is tired of all this Covid, mask wearing nonsense and is looking shake up the news cycle with a manufactured Middle East crisis. To achieve this goal he has sought the help of ole-time WWE wrestler The Iron Sheik. But the Sheik is currently in rehab recovering from an addiction to painkillers and unavailable.