Local Man Heartbroken To Learn Children Plan To Throw All His Shit Away After He Dies


Buffalo, NY—John Fleederhosuer, a seventy-nine year retired UAW machinist was shocked and heartbroken to learn that upon his death his two grown children plan to throw all his shit away. 

The children, Dirk Fleederhouser, a fifty-three year old software engineer and his sister, Mary Fleederhouser-Kruger, a fifty-one year old human resource manager said they have been encouraging their father to get rid of his shit for years, but he always just laughed and said he still needed his shit. Frustrated with their father the siblings told him they were going to throw all his shit away when he died, which crushed the old man. 

“I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with the beer cans he’s been collecting since before I was born? Or his Gene Pitney records?” Dirk asked. “And, let me tell you, I heard those goddamn Gene Pitney records so much growing up I still wake up sometimes singing “Town Without Pity.” When I told him I planned on donating the records to Amvets he didn’t speak to me for weeks.”

Mary Fleederhouser-Karuger says she constantly lies to her dad about all the jewelry and clothes she either threw out or donated from their deceased mother. “The woman had boxes and boxes of costume jewelry. Sure, I kept a few things, but am I supposed to walk around in her two-dollar Lady-Bird Johnson earrings from 1965 or her polyester bell bottoms from the 70’s?”

The siblings say when they’re visiting their dad together one of them usually tries to distract him while the other one goes through closets and drawers and removes some of the useless shit that he refuses to throw out. “It’s just all crap . . . buttons and shoes and zippers, belts, scarfs, neckties, broken glasses, extension cords. But he wants to hold onto all of it,” Dirk said. 

Dirk then imitated his dad regarding his hideous mustard colored card playing tie, “Nobody but me wore a tie to our monthly game. And I always won. Took guys for hundreds of dollars and they didn’t know how I did it. It was the necktie. I wore it every time and won. And now, you just want to throw it away? You’re breaking my heart Dirk. Worse than when you told me you wanted to be something with the computers or whatever you do instead of doing man’s work like your father.”   

The siblings say they love their dad and don’t want to needlessly upset him, but don’t think there’s suddenly going to be some use for a Henry’s Hamburgers menu or a Bells, Whammy Weenie and just want to clear some of this useless shit away.

About P.A. Kane

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