Ivanka Quietly Looking For A Girlfriend Ahead Of November Elections

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Ivanka Trump

Washington, D.C.—First daughter Ivanka Trump is quietly looking for a girlfriend ahead of the November elections. With the United States experiencing the world’s highest infection and death rate as a result of the Coronavirus , the re-election prospects for her father appear grim. Taking proactive measures, Ivanka thinks she can begin the process of rehabbing her image with the New York elite by having a very public gay romance.

 The porcelain doll like a thirty-eight year old has fallen out of favor in New York since her father’s election. Known as, Princess Royale in the White House, Ivanka has failed to curb her father’s worst impulses, such as taking Putin at his word that he didn’t interfere in the 2016 elections. She also hasn’t been able to keep him from saying endless dumb things like: windmills cause cancer or you can use disinfectants to fight off the Coronavirus. 

Regaining entry into New York society will also require Ivanka to shitcan her husband, Jared Kushner, affectionately known as: the Slim Suit Boy Prince. Kushner has yet to achieve any of his portfolio goals, which include: gaining a lasting peace between Israel and Palestine, containing the opioid crisis and most recently securing pandemic supplies. Logistics experts versed in supply chains said the Slim Suit Boy Prince overpaid and under delivered for PPE equipment and termed his efforts—laughable. Worst of all, he’s the prototype for a really dumb horror movie, called, The Boy  

Kushner/The Boy
Melissa DeRosa

Topping the list of candidates to be Ivanka’s rehab girlfriend is New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo’s aide, Melissa DeRosa. DeRosa has gained prominence during the Coronavirus crisis as Cuomo’s rock star assistant. The first daughter likes DeRosa because she’s loyal and always seems to have facts and figures at her fingertips. Ivanka was overheard saying, “She’s like Mike Pompeo, but without all the lying and distortions. And, unlike the blotchy Pompeo, she’s smokin hot.”

Ivanka is open to providing financial incentives to the prospective girlfriend, which makes a committed civil servant like DeRosa a long-shot. However, other names to emerge are MSNBC anchor, Nicole Wallace and former FBI attorney, Lisa Page. 

Nicole Wallace

Wallace was White House Communications Director in the George W. Bush administration and a Senior Advisor to John McCain’s Presidential campaign. Since 2014 she has been both an analyst and anchor on the left leaning MSNBC and is known for her sharp criticism of both the Republican Party and Trump. It would be a real jaw dropper for Ivanka to show up to some event at The Met with Wallace on her arm. It would be like sleeping with the enemy—a smart, fact based enemy with an electric smile.

Lisa Page

Perhaps the most head turning choice would be former FBI attorney, Lisa Page. Page was involved in an affair with FBI agent Peter Strzok. Critical text messages about the President  between Strzok and Page, caused Trump to accuse them of being members of the deep state that is committed to overthrowing him. The President also mimicked an orgasm between Strzok and Page at a campaign rally in Minneapolis and refers to Page as lovely Lisa. The New York press would like nothing more than to photograph Ivanka and lovely Lisa playing kissy face at some gala at the Ziegfeld Ballroom before jumping into a limo and heading to Big Al’s Twenty-Four Hour Tattoo, where the smitten couple would get matching Notorious RGB tats while sipping Cristal.

While none of the prospective women have been approached yet, rumors do persist and at a recent press conference the President cryptically hinted that Ivanka and another woman would do huge numbers. Like the final episode of The Dukes of Hazzard type of numbers.  

Notorious RBG

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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