Buffalo, N.Y.—On Thursday medical officials and Reckitt Benckiser, the United Kingdom-based owner of Lysol rebuffed President Trump for suggesting that household disinfectant products could be used to clean the lungs of Covid-19 patients. Explicit warnings followed from manufacturers of disinfectants and the medical community to never inject or ingest these products into your body under any circumstances.
Local author P.A.Kane (look over there⇒for his books) rarely agrees with Trump about anything, but like the President, he has a free mind and often thinks outside the box. Kane was the first to suggest to Bill Gates, that we implant microchips into vaccines so people can be tracked at all times; he encouraged Kanye to meet with Trump and pimp both the MAGA hat and ideals; and he advised Peter Frampton that it would be a great career move to star alongside the Bee Gees in the 1978 movie: St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Kane has been experimenting with a wide range of practices that come from not placing limitations on what is possible. In addition to being a free thinker, the local author is an advocate for developing critical thinking skills, which requires a great deal of reading. But reading is time consuming and time, even in a shutdown, needs to be used wisely. So, Kane has begun to test the idea of reading by paper transmissions. He’s still working out the math, but in short the idea is to press three books at once against the front and sides of your head and will the information into your brain. Results have been inconclusive thus far, but Kane has been noting certain trends:
- Recycled paper seems to aid in conveyance and feels nicer against your head than new stock paper.
- Three steaming cups of black coffee or one Red Bull prior to reading loosens the receptors in the brain increasing the probability of transference. A fourth cup of coffee or a second red bull is too much.
- The left side of his head (Goodbye Columbus, Philip Roth side), sends greater impulses to the brain.
- Fiction seems to transmit better than non-fiction.
Other findings have been less promising but he will continue to work the process.
Where Kane has hit pay dirt, is his experiments with light waves. Like President Trump, who suggested using ultraviolet or some other powerful form of light to fight Covid -19, Kane has been trying to improve his sex-life through black light immersion—black light—the light of love. Kane has been sleeping in a bed surrounded by black light while silent radio waves of Drake’s forty sexiest tunes wash over him during the night. Mrs. Kane says her husband is about a million ab-crunches and six-months of dance lessons away from approximating any of Drake’s coolness, but since he has employed this technique she has been strangely open to the occasional reach around.
Another area of progress Kane has made is in his forty yard dash time. The improvement can be traced to the practice of soaking his feet in a bowl of water doused with a powder form of cheetah blood. His forty time has gone from 10.9 down to 10.1. He’s hoping to get the time down to 7.5- 8 range. Kane cannot point to how reducing his forty time will improve his life whatsoever. The sole reason for this undertaking is that Kane has always been kind of a fat slow guy and this summer, if we are ever released from home confinement, he hopes to smoke a few of his friends (other slow fat guys) in the forty while out drinking and then bust their balls unmercifully like an eleven year old boy.
While it is unlikely the local author will ever find much common ground with President Trump, he does know that new breakthroughs only occur through brave, unbridled experimentation and thinking outside the box.