Alden, NY—Jan Holbrook of the Seabrook Park Estates in Alden attended the “Gridlock Buffalo” event at Niagara Square on Monday to protest the continued shelter in place orders by Governor Cuomo, which will continue until at least until May 15th . The shelter in place orders stem from the deadly Covid – 19 virus that has been ripping through New York State and the country.
Normally, Ms. Holbrook, who is permanently disabled from a rupture of some sort, doesn’t mind staying home just as long as she can get out to have her hair and nails done a couple times a month. She also takes a weekly ride to the rez for smokes. But with shelter in place order the salons are closed and she hasn’t been able to keep up her look. Now her old man, Big John is disappearing for hours each day in his 1978 Chevy, Monte Carlo and Ms. Holbrook fears he’s spending that time with . . . Babycakes.
Lynn Strumpet, aka Babycakes, is a SUPERCUTS hair stylist with an appreciation for the Chevy, Monte Carlo. It is well known among the Seabrook community that Babycakes appreciation of the Monte Carlo also extends to the men who drive them as well. Prior to taking up with Ms. Holbrook, Big John had an on again, off again relationship with Babycakes until Carlos Ramariez swept her off her feet with his 2000, six-speed Dale Earnhardt, SS Intimidator replica. But that relationship has soured and she is once again in hook-up mode. In the last few weeks Babycakes has been spotted in several Seabrook residents’ Monte’s including Big John’s.
“Goddamn Cuomo is going to fuck this up for me,” said Ms. Holbrook. “First time in ages I’ve had a man around here with an actual job. I can’t go back to life without Netflix or the Tiger King. I need to get my hair and nails done.”
Big John has been temporarily furloughed from his job as Assistant Maintenance Manager at the Statler Towers and has been spending his new found free time tuning up and detailing his Monte Carlo and apparently Babycakes has taken notice. On several different occasions Ms. Holbrook found Babycakes out in front of their dwelling as Big John worked on his Monte.
So far, Ms. Holbrook has reacted to the situation with restraint. She hasn’t questioned Big John’s extended absences and when Babycakes comes sniffing around, “I just lite another menthol and take a deep breath, which has been enough to keep me from going to the drawer where I keep the ball peen hammer and bashing that slutty fucking Monte loving bitches head in.”
Additionally, Ms.Holbrook thought attending the “Gridlock Buffalo” protest was a positive action she could take to save her relationship. When past relationships have failed she typically alleviated her misery with a box of chardonnay, and then, “I always threw the lying cheating scumbag’s shit in the road.” But at this point in her life she’s trying to take proactive measures rather than reacting with substance and emotion.
While she is unsure what good the the protest will do she did say, “We’re adults and we know the risks of not social distancing. If this is the only thing I can do to keep Big John and the extra six-hundred a week he’s getting in unemployment, I’ll do it”