Buffalo, NY—After an extended brainstorming session this past week it was determined local author P.A. Kane was the least essential member of the Kane family and would continue to shop for food and other supplies while his wife and children shelter in place as Covid-19 rips through Western New York.
Kane, the author of two novels: Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly and Leaving Jackson Wolf, is recently retired from his day gig as a driver at Mensa Plus and is Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author. Due to his reduced earnings in retirement, his anemic book sales and his penchant for really stinking up the bathroom he became the family’s obvious choice to face potential exposure to the deadly Coronavirus.
When he objected, it was pointed out to him that his wife was now the main breadwinner, keeper of the health care and as a result of some shrewd moves was able to minimize the damage to their 401K retirement savings. He knew suggesting that their oldest daughter pick up some of the slack would go nowhere since she provides mental health services to the needy in her role as a social worker. He then turned to his middle daughter who is a gifted artist with a BFA in Animation. It was decided that her potential achievements would far exceed a 1.5 millionth Amazon ranking that Kane had accomplished. Kane then desperately argued that their son, the youngest member of the family, who is a History/Philosophy major at the University of Buffalo couldn’t possibly be more essential than him. “He just sits around reading Spinoza all day,” Kane pleaded. “After this is over is he going to get a job at the Spinoza store?” Kane’s wife briefly conferred with the children and then responded, “We see your point, but he still has more potential than you, he doesn’t stink up the bathroom and . . . he’s my baby.”
Kane then reminded his family that he was the only one who knew all the passwords to the Amazon, Netflix and Hulu accounts. That he makes the coffee every morning and is the only one who grills and knows how to operate the snowblower or when the inspections are due on the cars. Seeing these appeals were going nowhere he then turned to the family dog, Kaya Francis Bean, and said it was unfair for him to be exposed since no one else tends to her needs or cleans up her shit, but his daughter cut him short, “Dad . . . dad, we’ll be fine. We’ll figure out new passwords and we’ll take the dog for a walk. We love you, but this is what’s best for everyone.”
Waiting for his next shopping assignment Kane now spends his days removed from his family with his books, writing and music in his little back office. Meals of rice and beans with a little bits of chicken are left outside his door. He has strict instructions to wipe down and fumigate the bathroom after each use. He’s trying to make the best of the situation by learning new Taylor Swift and Billie Eilish songs and vows with his next book he’s going to break into the top million at Amazon—so help him god.