Buffalo, NY—Maybe not today or tomorrow, but with a gameshow host in the White House managing a possible pandemic your chances are increasing by the minute. Even if you make it past Coronavirus at some point your mortal coil will unwind, and all that will be left of you are the memories carried by those whose lives you touched . . . AND ONE OF OUR KICK-ASS HEADSTONES!!!
There’s a lot of eternity left ahead of us, and your deteriorating remains won’t be here for much of it. BUT OUR QUALITY MARBLE-INFUSED HEADSTONES ARE GUARANTEED TO BE HERE UNTIL THE SUN COLLAPSES OR XENU ARRIVES!!!
Our money-back-guarantee says that your gravestone will stand as a testament to your existence as long as homo sapiens wander this blue marble, or else we’ll personally track down your nearest living relative and refund your $599 in whatever the current form of monetary exchange is.
Were you a moody loner who lived with the wind in his sails? A hooker with a heart of gold and a nasty itch? An annoying twerp named Gordon Sumner from Wallsend who conned the world into calling him Sting? A pathetic nobody whose brief flicker of existence on this plane was as meaningful as a Saharan dung beetle? THEN CELEBRATE YOURSELF FOR ALL OF TIME WITH OUR CUSTOM HEADSTONE!!
Our headstones are designed to reflect who you truly were, so that generations from now, when goth kids have awkward sex in the graveyard on Halloween night under the killing moon, they’ll do it in the shadow of your marker.
Because in the end that’s what a headstone is: a testament to who YOU were. What YOU believed in. How YOU rode. And with that in mind . . . WE”VE GOT GREAT NEWS!!!!
Introducing the “I STOOD WITH DON” memorial marker. Built out of quality Ukrainian marble, this headstone will tell everyone who you chose to side with. Whether you’re an elected leader, a local volunteer, or just a vocal supporter, people centuries from now will look at your final resting place and associate you with one man. When the aliens come, they’ll see who you proudly followed. When Cthulhu rises at the end of all things, he’ll take note. And don’t worry, if on your deathbed you start to ponder your legacy and consider opting for a plain headstone, the new Department of Perished Flesh will make certain that eventually your gravesite is proudly marked “I STOOD WITH DON”.
For more information call Buffalo Burial at 716-THE-VOID and ask for Eddie.
By David P. Zach– Senior Mud Contributor and Kanye West fixer.