Nissan “Juke” Owner Is An Asshole


Orchard Park, NY— Bill Wellington, a thirty-one year old RN at the Orchard Park Immediate Care is an asshole about his Nissan Juke.  

The Juke is a subcompact crossover SUV which came to market in the United States in 2011. The name Juke, is meant to highlight the vehicle’s agility and its ability to change directions quickly and smoothly. The 2019 five-speed hatchback with the 1.5 L engine sells for $23,500. Wellington has a black 2016 model with red pinstriping and 15” tires on black alloy rims that he bought with 20K miles for $18,500.

While Wellington is considered a competent nurse his co-workers complain he is an asshole about his stupid Juke. He takes up two spots in the parking lot, is constantly looking out the window at the vehicle and sometimes does these really dorky Juke related things- like making quick athletic moves through the nurse’s station saying, “Look at me, I’m a Juke.” 

“You gotta be kidding me,” said Melissa Sorrenson, a co-worker of three weeks. “When I first got here everybody was like: “Hey Melissa, why don’t you run to Nino’s with Bill to pick up dinner for us. We’ll buy.” I thought they were being nice, but what they were really doing is hazing me. The guy would not shut up about his Juke’s sleek design, the profile dominated by the prominent wheel arches and the body’s high waistline which contrasts with the slim side windows. What a fucking asshole. I wanted to kill myself.”


Kaley Wassom liked Wellington’s Tinder profile which stated: Healer by day  / Juke enthusiast by night. “There was a really cute pic of him in his scrubs with his stethoscope around his neck that sort of got me revved up,” she said. “We set something up and before I finished my double mocha latte I knew I wanted this dude. So, we went out to his car and after kissing a bit I slid my panties off in the front seat, which made him lose his mind, but not in the way it usually makes men lose their minds when I slide my panties off. He said the oils from my body would compromise the molecular integrity of his leather seats. And I said something like- Yo baby, I’m not only going to compromise your seats, but the foundations of your fucking life. “

But, Wellington was not having it. Wassom related that he was really upset and got out of the car and got a cleaning kit out of the hatch. He then muttered something about a quick spot clean before he could get to the detail shop. “It was really messed up up. The guy is a total asshole about that stupid car,” she said.”  

Wellington is presently suspended from his position at Immediate Care for leaving a patient with a hemorrhaging head wound to run out to the parking lot to ask a coworker to not park so close to his Juke.

Due to the lack of respect shown to him regarding his Juke, he is unsure if wants to return to position once his suspension is up.       

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

View all posts by P.A. Kane →