Tony Robbins’ Neck Is Missing And He Is The Asshole We Always Knew He Was

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Palm Beach, Fl—Judging from recent images, where his collar butts up to his granite chin and jaw, it appears that motivational speaker and New York Times best-selling author Tony Robbins is missing his neck and according to a year-long investigation by BuzzFeed, he is indeed the asshole we always knew he was.

Dr. Fyodor Ginghams of The Swedish Institute of Diminishing Body Parts says it is very unusual for a person’s neck to go missing. “It is, however, quite natural as we age for our bodies to soften, atrophy and even shrink, but it is quite rare to totally lose your neck,” said Dr. Ginghams. “I would like get some baseline information from Mr. Robbins and set up some research protocols to see what is going on with him. Very interesting. Not since Bills/Chargers General Manager, John Butler (RIP) have we seen such an acute case of neck loss.”

John Butler

While Dr. Ginghams attempts to get that research off the ground it looks like the investigative team at BuzzFeed have completed their trails and have concluded Robbins, the 6’7” bone white Frankenstein like figure who walks on hot coals and breaks bricks with karate kicks, is the asshole we always knew he was.

Since the onset of the #MeToo movement we’ve become accustomed to a litany of asshole moves by powerful white men that diminishes women and staff through intimidating behavior and unwanted sexual advances. Robbins, who is worth an estimated five-hundred million dollars, checks many of the boxes, for what have become cliched and creepy behaviors, such as: expecting assistants to work alone with him in a hotel when he’s naked or in the shower. Repeatedly pursuing relationships with attendees of seminars who made it clear they weren’t interested in dating a neckless Frankenstein. In the 1990’s he fired a woman after a consensual relationship ended.

In all his work Robbins has one big overriding theme: that none of us are victims and we all have the power within us to destroy our pain. Though not licensed to treat victims of severe trauma he pushes this theme to attendees of his seminars who have experienced spousal abuse and rape using techniques and language that is accusatory and critical of victims. BuzzFeed reached out to Ruth Glenn, President of The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence who said, “It’s not only secondary trauma, but a secondary assault. This behavior from a self-touted self-help expert is just beyond egregious.”

Through the years Robbins has produced an extensive library of products from books and tapes to multi-day seminars and membership programs that cost as much as $85,000 per year. We asked celebrities for reactions to the Buzzfeed story:

Oprah Winfrey: “I’ve interviewed and promoted Tony’s work through the years and I guess I missed on this one. But my track record for putting highly ethical well-trained professionals before the American public is strong: Dr. Phil . . . Dr. Oz . . .  Suze Orman . . . Rachel Ray. Uh . . . uh, well . . . Rachel makes a kick ass macaroni salad that will help you live your best life.”

Barry Williams (Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch): “Tony took the last of my Brady money and taught me to understand I’m not some washed-up child star or a victim. That, life still had many pleasures like: Marlboro Reds, cashing people out at the carwash and shooting pool on Saturday nights at the bar and then doing it doggie style with girlfriend Missy.”  

Mike Tyson: “Yeah, whatever. What happened to that guy’s fucking neck?

Helen Borscht (a little old lady walking down the street): “He gets $85K for that bullshit. For $10 you can get a John Prine record and learn everything you need to know about love, forgiveness and being a good person.”  

Robbins has retained the services Lavely & Singer, a Hollywood law firm with a client list that has included Bill Cosby and Charlie Sheen. They have issued cease and desist orders to everyone saying mean things about Robbins and have threatened to issue trillion-dollar lawsuits for those who fail to comply.

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tution.

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