Buffalo, NY—For decades Ross Cellino and Steve Barnes of the injury law firm Cellino & Barnes have been a constant in Western New York with their jingles, billboards and endless radio and television ads. Their interminable, soul-sucking media campaign, which seeks to put a happy face on pain and trauma, has made Cellino & Barnes one of the largest and most powerful injury law firms in the country. And now, as reported in the Buffalo News, the daughters of Ross Cellino- Annmarie and Jenna have rented space in the Olympic Towers and have started their own injury firm, Cellino & Cellino- God help us!
Following in the success of their father, Cellino & Cellino plan on further debasing mankind with billboards and an all-out tv and radio blitz on the strength of what they hope to be a narcotic-like a jingle:
Dial 777-7777 and Cellino & Cellino
Will take you to injury award heaven
The firm is experimenting with different versions of the jingle to appeal to a broad base of potential clients. In the works are thrash-metal, hip-hop and bro-country versions of the ad. The reasoning behind the variation in jingles is based on studies that show disaffected thrash-metal, hip-hop and bro-country listeners are mostly employed in unfulfilling, low-paying jobs and are easily distracted leading to a greater frequency of injuries.
“After the absent-minded Slayer kid melts off his hand in the fryer at McDonalds, who’s he going to call, us or my dad?” asked Jenna Cellino. “Same is true for the Lil Wayne fan that falls off a ladder at a construction site- they’re going to call us cause, you know, we’re street just like them.” Annmarie Cellino added, “And, the resentment-filled white dude in the F150 with the backwards turned MAGA hat, listening to that Toby Keith bullshit while wreaking havoc all over the road. Is he going to call that wimp- “hurt in a car,” William Mattar or us with our pro bro-country jingle? Even though it won’t be true, we’ll make the MAGA asshole guy feel like he’s the victim.
Ironically enough, one of the first Cellino & Cellino suits filed is against their father’s long time partner Steve Barnes. As has been reported widely, Ross Cellino submitted papers to dissolve the partnership due to Barnes objection at hiring Jenna Cellino. The matter is presently making its way through the courts and has produced a great deal of stress for the Cellino family and for Jenna in particular who has suffered premature hair loss. It’s a ten million dollar suit which cites pain and suffering associated with the hair loss. Holding back tears, Jenna said, “I used to be cute with my champagne eyes and my flowing black locks and now…and now I look like Uncle Steve. Well, we’re going to make old ferret face pay up.”
Area residents informed of the new firm and their planned media blitz mostly responded with a cold dead head shake, saying- “God help us!”