Buffalo, NY—In 2018, Parade Today magazine citing research conducted by the University of Buffalo’s Anthropology Department, determined the Valley Old Neighborhood Parade really wasn’t a parade. Failing to meet the metrics of a traditional parade the magazine concluded the rolicking Saint Patrick’s Day event was just a bunch of people dressed in green drinking- watching other people dressed in green drinking on motorized floats. However, staff members from the magazine who attended the event last year have reconsidered their findings and now are recommending a new parade category be established: The Party Parade, of which, the Valley Old Neighborhood Parade is the best in the country.
Metrics such as unity, enthusiasm, lack of pretension, vomit and number of port-o-potties on the back of floats (thirteen in all) were just some of the factors the magazine took into consideration. Senior Parade Today contributor Phoeff McAnglesey said, “Pound for pound this is the best parade in America. Short and sweet with tons of beer and the most Margaret’s and Eileen’s of any event in the country. And, should you emerge from an alleyway after a short nap in a pool of your own vomit, you’ll will be greeted without recrimination or judgement. People will help clean you up and then hand you another Guinness. Where else is that going to happen? We had to create a new category for this parade.”
Holding down a barstool at the Blackthorn, South Buffalo native Jack Conrad, who famously misplaced his ass last Saint Patrick’s Day weekend cheered the move, “This is a great day for our people and this event. The 716 will not denied.”
Conrad felt this was in the cards all along and has been preparing throughout the month for the Old Neighborhood Parade by eating nothing but boiled potatoes and practicing pick up lines he intends to lay down on Mary Nolan and Marita Morgan:
“Hey Mary, wanna hear me sing Danny Boy?”
“Hey Marita, wanna see the scars where they reattached my ass?”
“Me and the Old Neighborhood Parade—this is our year,” Conrad crooned.
Boston native, Orin Dunfee makes the six-hour trek across 90W every year for the parade and had this to say: “Between the Sox, Bruins, Celts and Patriots- Boston has like forty championships. While it’s great to be a winner year after year after year, it’s not everything. Coming together to celebrate sacred traditions with friends, family and pints and pints and more pints of beer down at the Old Neighborhood Parade is what gives life meaning. This is especially true if you’ve never experienced a CHAMPIONSHIP PARADE like we do in Boston all the time—LOSERS. Still, it’s great that the Old Neighborhood Parade received this recognition. I mean, you people need something to be the best at, it might as well be a parade.”
Random patrons responded this way to the new designation by Parade Today:
Jack McFlugle of Black Rock said, “How can this be the best Party Parade in the country when I can’t ever find a single hit of crystal meth there?”
Doloris O’Brannigan of University Heights said, “Even if my boyfriend Bucky does get all shit-faced it’s better than another Saturday afternoon of playing hide the gulumki—don’t ask. Erin Go Bragh”
Nikki McDonell from Babcock voiced surprise, “Wait, that’s a parade? I thought it was just a bunch people dressed in green drinking- watching other people dressed in green drinking on floats with port-o-potties. Who knew?”
Organizers expressed gratitude to the publishers of Parade Today magazine for honoring Old Neighborhood Parade. They also reiterated that the shitheads from the UB Anthropology Department were welcome to come share a pint and learn a lesson or two about customs and mores while relieving themselves in a port-o-potty on a moving float.