Buffalo NY—This week DNA tests linked Senior Mud Contributor and Kanye West fixer, David P. Zach to Marie Osmond of the famous Utah entertainment family, the Osmond’s.
In the wake of Kanye’s rambling, non-sequitur laden performance with President Trump in the Oval Office, where the pop star called on Apple to build a hydrogen powered Air Force One, the fixer did follow ups all through MAGA country portraying Kayne, to adoring Red Hats, as a visionary and a genius, which produced a 4% bump in sales of his catalogue. Conversely, on the coasts in non-MAGA country, Zach was in hot negotiations with drug makers at Forest Laboratories for Kanye to rep the anti-depressant Lexapro.
For years, around the Mud offices Zach himself, has rambled on about being a direct descendent of the wizard Gandalf from the Hobbit trilogy and has annoyed staff members by endlessly talking about elves, Sauron, Narya and all kinds of other middle earth bullshit. Given his recent elevation of the Kanye brand, Zach had become insufferable, showing up at the Mud offices with a staff and dressed in linens. He also has made everyone at the office uncomfortable with his overuse of words like: succor, supplication, and salve.
To restore office confidence and to put this Gandalf business to rest once and for all, the Mud management team paid for DNA testing of Zach. Test results indicated zero correlation between Zach and Gandalf because “Gandalf, middle earth and all things Hobbit are fictional bullshit for boys who can’t get girls.” The testing did reveal Zach to have deep roots to the poorest, most inbred hill people of Albania who migrated to the U.S. in the early 1800’s and began to follow Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism.
Generations of Zach’s family migrated with the Mormons eventually settling in Utah and test results indicate a relationship to the famous Osmond entertainment family and specifically—Marie Osmond.
To be sure Zach is hairier and has those pouty I need love, lips and eyes, but otherwise the similarities are undeniable, especially with Marie Osmond. Both Marie and Zach have struggled with weight issues, both feel overshadowed by strong men—Marie-her brothers—Zach-Buffalo Mud founder-P.A.Kane—both have storied relationship issues and have confronted depression issues.
Stunned with the results, Zach has mostly sat his desk in a near catatonic state for the last several days while staff members moving around the Buffalo Mud offices, with a certain spring in their step, have been quietly humming Paper Roses