Buffalo NY—Senior Buffalo Mud Contributor and Kanye West fixer, David P. Zach drove his 1995 Chrysler LeBaron into a ditch along Ridge Road in Lackawanna early last night. Zach sustained minor injuries to his tiny baby hands and his shallow, self-important ego.
Prior to the accident Zach was questioned by local author and Buffalo Mud publisher, P.A. Kane regarding an anonymous article that appeared in the on-line satire site last week. Rescue workers at the scene noted a loop of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” playing on the car stereo and that Zach responded to all questions with an impersonation of Jack Nicholson’s character from “A Few Good Men,” repeating over and over again: “You can’t handle the truth.” As a precaution Zach was taken to the CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program)at the Erie County Medical Center for observation and evaluation.
In a statement to police Kane said Zach was brought into the Buffalo Mud home offices to answer questions relating to the anonymous article and, “One sideways, Vincent D’Onofrio—Criminal Intent—like glance and Zach began to sing like a drunk at a karaoke bar.”
Once Kane identified Zach as the author of the article the Senior Contributor complained bitterly about the direction of Buffalo Mud saying more limericks should be included along with references to nachos, Wang Chung and Elvis Costello. He was incensed as well at Kane’s notion that all it would take to appropriate the attention of Kill Bill actress, Uma Thurman was to not be a fat, bloated Gary Oldman type, while at the same time threatening to beat the shit out of anyone who looked at her with an unkind eye like a real South Buffalo asshole.
It should be noted that Zach has spent a small fortune on Ninja lessons, hoping to impress Thurman with his sword work and the way he wears a Ninja headband. So far, Zach has been unsuccessful at gaining any traction with the sultry actress despite tagging her across social media with YouTube videos where he prances around with a sword while wearing a stupid headband. Four separate videos have received a total twenty-one views and seven comments. One comment is from his mom saying “ You look great, honey” and six comments from Cory7125 imploring Zach to kill himself.
Kane speculated that Zach’s erratic behavior is the result of an overzealous sense of self. “I know he often comes off as a clever, self-deprecating guy, who has the ability to restrain the excesses of pop stars like Kanye West, but inside that baby man with tiny baby man hands is a self-important monster.” Kane noted Zach wanted all the credit for Kanye’s recent controversial statement that, “Slavery was a choice,” which really helped the hip-hop artist’s sagging sales among Trump supporters. Also, according to Kane, Uma Thurman not looking at his videos is a giant blow to Zach’s ego and he is tremendously jealous that Kane is the 1.6 million ranked author on Amazon and is overseeing the continuing rise of Buffalo Mud.
“I hope this is the wake up call he needs to get help,” Kane said. “And, if not, we might just as well settle in and enjoy watching him crash and burn.”