Local Author’s Wife Plans David Sedaris Torture

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Donna Kane (future torturer)

Buffalo, NY—Married for what seems like a thousand years, Donna Kane the wife of local author P.A. Kane has informed her often distant and non-responsive husband that when he becomes older and more infirm and can no longer care for himself, she plans to culture him in things she loved and he ignored in healthier days. Books, old movies, tv shows and of course, work stories . . . the never-ending work stories.

 

Forever resistant to the joy she found in the books of humorist David Sedaris, she plans on reading  the entire canon of his essays out loud to her husband. When done she intends to gleefully to go on and on about all the wacky, idiosyncratic events in Sedaris’ life . . . picking up garbage on the side of the road in the UK, the beach house named C-Section (haha)in North Carolina, the smoking compulsion of his mother and more. She also is planning extensive talks about his sisters: Amy, Lisa and Gretchen and Paul, the brother who has become a conspiracy nut. After Sedaris, it’s on to Jane Austin and Emily Bronte.

Enduring that, if the sweet release of death hasn’t taken already him , Kane’s wife plans on wheeling him in front of the TV and making him watch all the black and white movies she had loved on AMC. For years Kane teased her for crying at such hokey, over-dramatic movies. And, if that doesn’t finish him off, she’ll break out TV shows he truly despised—the UK produced Agatha Christie murder mysteries: Miss Marple and Poirot with a healthy dose of Inspector Morse or Vera for added misery.

Donna’s work and co-workers never much interested her husband either. Therefore, when he can no longer dismissively roll his eyes and walk out of the room as she goes on and on about Tim, who works for Charlie who works for Karen— that Karen is always so helpful organizing off sites, she plans on detailing her work stories to him inch by inch, grain by grain: the Christmas party debacle of 2002, the Power Point mix-up of 2009, the 2017 case of the missing tax filings. And, when she’s done with those stories she’ll talk about her work friend Jen. Kane especially hated the anecdotal information he gleaned over the years about her not so unpredictable, shoot from the hip work friend Jen.   

Local Author P.A. Kane

And while making him endure these markers of her life that he ignored, she will see that he is finally properly groomed. No longer will there be any errant nose or ear hairs. His nails will be meticulously trimmed and his dirty stinky ass, the source of so much despairing laundry through the years, will be cleaner than a freshly bleached factory that produces anti-bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer.

Contemplating his fate Kane has increased his intake of fried food, started smoking non-filters and has been playing chicken with angry Trump-loving white dudes in pick-up trucks, all while insisting no one is less afraid of his wife than him.

 

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tution.

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