By David P. Zach—Senior Mud Contributor—
Washington D.C.—The following is an official release from the office of Rudolf William Lewis Giuliani, Attorney at Law:
“To begin, I want to emphasize how honored I am to be working with this administration and this incredible president. He is a beacon of light in a dark world, a fresh, deveined jumbo shrimp in the cocktail bar of our lives. The day he asked me to work with him was the second greatest moment of my life, right after that evening in ’98 when I absolutely nailed my comb-over, and just before my first, third, and second weddings, respectively. Now, to the matter at hand:
“First: yes, in late 2017 the president did pay local author P. A..Kane $200,000. The money did NOT come out of campaign funds. The payment was legal in every respect. Half of it went directly into Kane’s bank account; the other half was paid to various agencies where Kane held considerable debts (MyPayDay Loans, Hooters, the Dollar Store, etc).
“Second: this payment was made to stop the false and extortionist accusations made by Mr. Kane. The President has never met Mr. Kane, the President has never checked into the North Shore Motor Inn under the alias ‘Rodd Steele’, and the President has not even OWNED any tighty-whities for a good six months. Plus, have you seen Mr Kane? Totally flat chested. A 5 at best. Put it this way: he’s no Tom Selleck.
“Third: the ‘suspect’ sketch released by Mr Kane. Let’s get serious here folks – this is a scam job, a made up drawing of a made up person that doesn’t exist, and the media knows it. It kind of resembles a handsomer Tom Brady with bigger hands, but that’s about it.
“Lastly: what have we become as a nation when some third-rate-hack from a glorified Toronto suburb is given free rein by the fake press to peddle his disgusting conspiracies against the most honorable leader this world has seen since Abraham Lincoln? I fear for our children.
Well, your children.
“Tune in tonight to Hannity at nine o’clock where I’ll be walking most of this back.”