Buffalo, New York—After learning Oscar winner, Gary Oldman (The Darkest Hour) was previously married to Uma Thurman for two years, local author P.A. Kane (Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly) thinks he might have a shot with the Kill Bill, actress.
“Why not,” Kane said, “there’s still some zip left in my fast ball and it occasionally hits the strike zone. And, if the lovely Ms. Thurman would be with the bloated crank from The Darkest Hour, I don’t see why she wouldn’t take a shot on me. I’m half as bloated as that guy and I have good teeth.”
Kane also noted that he was a kind and gentle lover and as the 1.6 millionth ranked author on Amazon the potential for personal growth with him was nearly unlimited. “There’s not much going on besides money and stability with these Hollywood superheros, ” Kane said. “It’s all beemers, silk sheets and fabulous parties. But when you have to scratch and claw for your existence, that’s when you know you’re alive, that’s when you’re having fun. Think how good Uma would look cruising with me in my 2008 Dodge Dakota on our way to Denny’s for a Grand Slam?”
Citing the recent Maureen Dowd article in the New York Times, where Thurman bravely recalled the sexual abuse and blackballing she endured at the hands of disgraced and soon to indicted movie mogel, Harvey Weinstein, Kane said that would never would be a problem for her again. “I would worship her and being a South Buffalo native, everybody knows you raise an eyebrow in our direction, even slightly, you can expect whatever teeth you have left Gary Oldman, to be removed from your fucking skull. That’s how we roll here.”
Rhetorically, Kane then asked, “Did you ever meet anyone named Gary that wasn’t an asshole?”
Asked whether this would mean an end to his twenty-five year marriage Kane indicated that he still loves his wife and wants to be with her, but a break would do both of them good. “I mean, how many stories can a person endure about someone’s impulsive work friend Renee?” he asked sticking to the rhetorical questions. “She’s plenty sick of me too,” he continued. “She’s sick of my dishes in the sink, my poopy boxers and gets annoyed when I don’t care what Mika just said on Morning Joe. I think she would like to give someone else a try too, someone like Michael B. Jordan, who played Erik Killmonger in the Black Panther movie. She downplays it, but I know she’s crushing on him because in the movie she wanted him to win the challenge and remain the Black Panther and then have him come over here from Wakanda and kick some serious ass on the NRA, Donald Trump and the Koch brothers.”
Asked what he would do if his overtures to Ms. Thurman were rejected, Kane thought for a moment and said, “I’d pursue Hillary Clinton’s aide. Huma Abedin. I like her too. Whether Uma or Huma, there’s lots of women out there with those kinds of names that would do well with a guy like me.”
Neither, Uma Thurman or Huma Abedin returned calls for comment.