Cambridge, Ma.—Researchers at Harvard University found high levels of frustration among Boomer and Gen X men dealing with their screen obsessed, self-absorbed, unmotivated children. Study participants expressed a desire for an educational system where discipline and justice is administered through fear, intimidation and physical pain by esteemed mentors like Sister Ethel and her inch thick yardstick.
Not caring he was using the derogatory “kids today,” put down that he hated when he was a kid and his father used just prior to booting him in the ass and telling him he was a lazy, no good, shiftless pothead, Ivoclar sales manager Arthur Ames said, “These kids today, you try to put the fear of God in them and they tell you God is a stupid outdated construct of the past, while complaining about the sucky WiFi plan you bought. Back in my day, if I would’ve talked about God or complained like that my old man would’ve beat the hell out of me and packed my bag for Father Baker’s Home for ungrateful little pains in the asses son-of-a-bitches. And, I don’t want to hear a word about any goddamn corporal punishment research, which my kids and wife always throw in my face. My old man beat the hell out of me all the time and I turned out okay. You lay a hand on their precious little snowflake asses now and they’re calling their lawyers and threatening you with Child Protective Services.
Reed Larson a System Analyst at Kaleida Health and an alumni of long closed St.Teresa’s elementary school agreed. “These snowflakes today with their timeouts, talk therapy, participation trophies are over-indulged, self-important little douchebags. What they need is a couple of afternoons locked in coat closet at the back of the class room holding two bibles with their arms outstretched. That would toughen them up and teach them their place in this world real fast. And instead of all these campaigns against bullying we need to return to the days where Sister Ethel would crack you in the back of of the head with her wooden pointer when she caught you bullying that four-eyed fat-ass loser Jimmy McGuire. That would end the problem immediately or at least till later when you could talk shit on-line about that fuck McGuire.
Bemoaning the fact that kids today have no drive, no ambition and that they’re only concerned with quality of life, the environment and social justice, crane operator Thomas McInerney said, “The only time my kids even look up from their screens is when I refer to my gay forman as a fruit cake or when I tell my wife that her ass is pretty nice, not as nice as Chelsea’s the twenty-year old secretary at work, but still nice. Then they get all indignant and lecture me about how inappropriate I am. Inappropriate? I mean, the foreman is a little fruity, nothing wrong with that and I’m complimenting the niceness of my wife’s ass. What’s wrong with that? How are these kids going to run the world if all they care about is the environment and bullshit political correctness?”
The Harvard researchers studying these Boomer and GenX men are calling this trend Boohoocrybabywhiteman Syndrome. Men touched by this syndrome often have a stunning sense of entitlement and an inability to change and adapt to new and changing cultural norms. They arecharacterized by alcohol abuse, a remarkably cliched love of Led Zeppelin, the need to troll, an inability to think critically, a high tolerance for lies from a 239 pound orange monster and an uncomfortable physical attraction to White House aide, Stephen Miller.
Researches say retraining has thus far been ineffective and change is likely to occur only with the ultimate demise of these men.
