Local Author Mocked, Scorned and Threatened For Expectations About Bills Playoff Chances


Buffalo, NY—While acknowledging how great it was to end the playoff drought and how excited he was about the direction of the Bills under Sean McDermott and Brandon Beane, local author P.A.Kane, Written In The Stars:The Book Of Molly was mocked, scorned and threatened after reasonably pointing out the Bills chances for success was not good this weekend against the Jacksonville Jaguars in their return to the NFL playoffs after a seventeen year absence.

Kane, who texts with his high school buddies: Al, Frank P. and the Doctor during the weekly Bills games, pointed out getting in with help  on a fourth and twelve Andy Dalton TD pass   was a  fluke. He reiterated, as much as he liked the direction and was into the Bills catch phrase, “trust the process,” they weren’t quite ready for prime time. His longtime friends weren’t having it, texts were furiously returned with stats documenting the erratic play of Jags QB, Blake Bortles while reminding Kane of the Bills big road wins against the Falcons and Chiefs. He countered that Tyrod Taylor was the 21st rated passer in the NFL and took 46 sacks and also added the big wins were countered  by blowouts losses to the Jets, Saints, Chargers and twice to the Patriots. The friends then accused Kane of being a killjoy, who probably told his kids: Santa isn’t real, Voldemort and Steve Bannon are just misunderstood and man will never solve climate change. They then started to mock the P.A. part of his name, saying it stood for: Poopy Ass,  Painful Asshole, Pigeon Anus, Pinhead Author, Penis Ant, Passive Aggressive Krank.

Later that week, sitting at the bar having a beef on weck at Wiechec’s in Kaisertown, Kane fell into conversation with a man and woman while they watched Bills highlights on the TV news. Again citing how excited he was about the Bills future, Kane said he didn’t see how they were going to win this week with LeSean McCoy injured and a shaky, hurt offensive line going against a Jags team that scored seven defensive TD’s and had 55 sacks. 

     Annoyed, the man said, “The Bills are due and Doug Marrone is an arrogant asshole.”     

     “That might be true, but it doesn’t explain how the Bills were going to succeed against the #2 defense in the league.”   

     “I don’t know,” the man said,  “Things happen for a reason. There’s something about a fourth and twelve Andy Dalton TD pass that’s like… destiny. And, Doug Marrone is an arrogant asshole.    

      “Really,” Kane said incredulously, “they’re due…destiny? What about things like statistical trends, talent, home field advantage?”     

     Just then the woman stood up and said, “Oh my god, I bet this nerdfuck never gets laid. Let’s go.”

The couple then got up and moved to the other end of the bar. There, they talked with other patrons, who all flipped Kane off.

Finally, during a break at his day job, seeing how unsuccessful he was pointing out the problems the Jags defense posed for the Bills, Kane asked his co-workers how the twenty-seventh ranked Bills run defense was going to deal with Leonard Fournette and the Jags #1 rated rushing offense. There was general agreement the Bills D needed to step up big and needed to keep it to a field goal game and maybe hit a few big plays. They were the most reasonable points Kane heard all week, but still he didn’t see how they were going to pull it off, while again saying that he “trusted the process.”

One of the guys sitting at the table, who hadn’t said a word yet finally spoke up and to great effect, “Hey Shakespeare, how about I stick the sharp end of a quill pen where the sun don’t shine and then maybe you, your stats and your non-Billief will get with the program.” Turning to others at the table he then said, “Fucking guy is a rain cloud on a sunny fucking day.”

Stunned, Kane, kind of just laughed off the threat while clenching his ass cheeks. Then, for a moment considered what would happen if the Bills did win. He was filled with instant dread, since he was going to get the same shit the following week, only worse because next up was Tom Brady and the Patriots and the Bills hadn’t been competitive with them since the Clinton administration.

Go Bills!!!



About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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