Hapless Bills Affirm Order Of Universe Safe


Buffalo, New York—After two successive losses by the Buffalo Bills, including a 47-10 home ass whooping by the New Orleans Saints the sometimes questionable order of the universe remains stable.

The Bills 5-2 start to the 2017 NFL season produced growing speculation the universe might be subject to disruption by way of “Strange Matter.” The “Strange Matter,” theory posits contact of non-organized protons and neutrons with other matter could threaten the existing fabric of the universe. In other words, seventeen seasons of  non-organized protons and neutrons by the Bills that  seemed to be receding as a result of new contact with competent coaching and leadership might have produced a destabilizing effect on the universe. However, evidence from the last two weeks: losing the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. poor tackling, abundant penalties and the the inability of Tyrod Taylor to hit a pass longer than five yards, would seem to indicate the order of the universe completely safe from disruption.

Local author P.A. Kane foolishly sent texts to all his friends the morning of the Saints game saying a dome team playing a road game on a 40 degree day after winning six in a row was due for a let down. Although, disappointed Kane is happy not to have to waste any more Sundays pursuing the folly of the Bills and can resume promoting his novel Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly, which ranks 1,863,583 on the Amazon Best Seller List.

At 5-2, erstwhile super fan, Captain Dave Kaprosch hinted he might un-retire the old shield and cape if the Bills made the playoffs. But now Kaprosch is looking to dump his tickets for the three remaining home games and use his Sundays to practice his Jim Mora impression aided by heavy doses of Captain Morgan and Ginger.

Buffalo expatriate Kevin McNamara,  sitting with a Molson Canadian and a tequila took a philosophical view, “Listen,” said the Charlotte, NC resident in a gravelly voice, “the Stones still rock, beer still gets you drunk and the Bills still suck. All is right. All is well.” 

As the Bills and Sabres for that matter, resume their rightful place in the cosmos, Western New York braces for another long dark winter.  

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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