Offensive Cake Spurs Civil Lawsuit

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Senior Mud Contributor—David P. Zach

Buffalo, NY—A civil lawsuit has been filed in Buffalo City Court against the owners of Calvin’s Bakery in North Park, by Mikey O’Connell of University Heights.

At the center of the dispute is a life-size Tom Brady cake that Mr. O’Connell ordered in early September. He claims the bakery purposely misrepresented their goods and sold him a defective product. Calvin’s Bakery, however, holds that they fulfilled their contract as stated.

“What the hell is wrong with this city?” Mr. O’Connell demanded when reached for comment. “The first two bakeries I call say they ‘don’t serve my kind’. Then these jokers take my order – and I was way specific too – and what arrives on my doorstep? A Tom Brady cake with no pants and a tiny dingle!”

The bakery has issued this statement through their lawyers: “Mr. O’Connell requested an accurate, life-size, lemon poppy-seed cake modeled after Tom Brady. He did not state whether he wanted Mr. Brady in home jersey, away jersey, or other.”

In the lawsuit Mr. O’Connell states that the defective cake ruined his September 7th NFL Kickoff party. “We had grandparents there. Little kids. My jagoff brother-in-law kept asking if it was an ice cream cake cause it looked so cold. No one could focus on the game. And what happens? We get whacked by the Chiefs 42-27.”

This is not the first time Calvin’s Bakery has courted controversy. In 2014 they refused service to the regional dressage team, and last year they were accused of sprinkling bacon bits on an anniversary cake for two vegans from Hamlin Park.

Mr. O’Connell is demanding $1,000 in damages and an apology, and has privately told friends that he’s considering putting the whole city in his rearview.

A decision is expected early next year.

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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